Booty Pop and the Art of Being Lawyered

Are you there internet? It's me, Joe. I'll admit that for the last few weeks I have been rather sporadic with my posting so far this summer. Only to highlight my lack of posting, I was forced to delete one of my longer narrative tales, some of my best work if I do say so myself. I decided it was best to take it down because of the amount of people contacting me trying to find out who the mystery girl was. Assuming that it would probably eventually get back to her, and knowing that females as a gender are irrational beings, she might just freak out. Personally the whole thing was meant as a compliment, but whatever, no skin off my ass, wait errrrrr....that sounded gay.


Now, if you are the kind of person whose initial reaction to hearing anything potentially negative about females is to call someone a male-chauvinist then just hear me out. Also, I'm wondering why you are even reading this right now because you probably think I'm a rapist (is it weird that I'm mobile-blogging from my van?)


Anywhoo, as for my lack of posting recently all I can say is that I'm sorry, but this summer I've been feeling a little uninspired. That is until today.


I was watching True Life today and I heard a mother tell her daughter that women have sex with their heart while men have sex with their peepees (exact words). Well I'm 23 and I can tell you that in the half-dozen or so times I've had sex, never once has my penis touched a wet  tight heart. Never went down and ate a woman's heart. Am I doing it wrong? Judging by the amount of porn I've seen in my day I just don't think so.


I have had an ongoing discussion with a friend of mine over the last few months and we have come to the conclusion that women like to tell themselves that they are fundamentally different from men when it comes to the concept of sex. You may be wondering what the hell I am talking about, well let me indulge you...


It happens all the time, just about every guy and every girl has been a part of this very scenario; a guy walks up to a girl in a bar and his intentions are pretty clear but it uaually ends with... "Whatever, nice try weirdo but nobody here is interested". The the girl turns back to her friends and vents over her crantini about how every time they go out they get hit on by some random guy, and how there are no good relationship quality men around for her or her friends. Yeah, you're all just a bunch of victims. As a guy I can attest to the fact that the male half of the human species will pretty much have sex with anything. As a matter of fact there are a few women on this earth that as long as they let me I wouldn't have much of a problem poking my peener into flesh wound somewhere on their body, but do with that what you will.


That being said, what my friend and I don't seem to understand is why so many women constantly go through life pretending as if men's advances are so unwanted; deep down her and I both know she came to this bar for the exact same reason I did. You came out because you were hoping that you might find someone in the same situation, someone that might just want to have sex with you. Yeah huh, it sure is so just admit it to yourself. If I just wanted to get drunk with some friends we wouldn't each be spending $100 and elbowing every asshole in town to get the bartender's attention. Nope we'd be at someone's apartment drinking two cases, but like I said before we're all here for the same reason. If you don't agree with me yet just ask yourself this, why did you spend 2 hours getting ready? Why did you get so dressed up? Why are you wearing shoes that make you look like a Chinese foot binder? Why on God's green earth would you ever get a wax? If you say you do these things to look and feel good that's a bold faced lie and you know it because if that was the case you would dress like that by yourself at home. Yeah and I came here and started talking to you because I desperately need another friend in my life that vehemently refuses to have sex with me. You did all those things so that when you came here, whether you realize it or not, because you want some of that ass.


Sure there are plenty of differences between men and women, but the fact that we came here to get busy isn't one of them. If that's the case (and it is) then why do so many women convince themselves that they are fundamentally different? How can women and men possibly not see perfectly eye-to-eye on this? How could we actually be that different? After all we are both over 99% genetically identical as chimps, and chimps may I remind you, throw feces at each other. 


There's a point, I swear.


Since we're both here at this bar for a reason, I find it so puzzling that women have convinced themselves they're so above the situation while complaining to their friends over a riesling about nobody in the bar is relationship worthy. "If another guy comes up to me trying to fuck me I'm going to flip. What a creep!". You know what, that's fine because you shouldn't have to feel the brunt of every horny guy but the fact that it happens to you doesn't for a minute give you the right to act like you're any better. What I think women don't want men to know is that the only thing really holding up their transparent claim that they're out dolled up at the bar and not looking to bump is their ability to easily take the high road. They can shut you down because they can make you think (and make themselves think the same) that they are here for a completely different reason. That is until we found out about these...I give you the mother fucking booty pop. 


Are you fucking serious? A Booty Pop. Intentions have ever been more clear. Don't even try the "I just want my clothes to fit better" defense. Yeah, that's why I stuff socks down the crotch of my khakis, to make them fit better. You bought them, just like you have push-up bras because you don't think guys will be interested in you unless you have bigger tits or a fat ass. You're not here for sex in some way shape or form? Ah Hah! Fact. Kaboom. You've been lawyered.  If I ever went home with someone and found out they were wearing a booty pop I would (assuming my penis doesn't wilt while making a the same noise a baloon makes while deflating) I would make her keep them on, cut a whole in the back and fuck her straight up her booty-pop ass. Oh yeah, and I would tell every single person I know.


Amirite? Amirite? Honestly SBB would like to hear what the fairer sex has to say on the matter, so post it as a comment and just try not to be too much of a bitch about it. Ok, great!


Obnoxiously 80's video of the day, from Icehouse

Yo homes, smell ya lata
SBB

Merking of the Year

As this summer has rolled into full swing here in July I have realized that SBB has been up for over 8 months. Since this blog is my proverbial baby I can't help at the juncture but to make the analogy that my little baby is crowning. (I can see it now, its little head poking out...its...its...a blog! A blog with a gigantic weiner!) See what I did there?

Low brow pregnancy joke, check.

Lately I've been thinking to myself, in between sending chain emails laced with bizarre smut and stealing neighborhood children's pets, that something may be missing from my blog baby SBB. Then it came to me; with the amount of senseless awards that are handed out seemingly every day, why shouldn't I give an annual award? Well Joe, how can you give out awards when you don't really know anyone. Who would you give them to? You have 3 friends, two of which are imaginary and the last one being a goldfish. Silence yourself you silly little pixie living behind my ear! Where did you come from anyway? You never used to criticize me when I was still boning the chubby pharmacist technician at CVS for continuous refills of my special special pills. 

Low brow paranoid schizophrenia and substance abuse joke, check.

Since my blog seems to serve as the voice of my ridiculous opinions and my observations of life from atop my high horse, I think that it would only be fitting if my awards followed suit. To decide what the award should be given for I had to go back and think of some of the things I have seen happen this calendar year. After countless hours of mulling it over mastur de-bating it in my head I came to a decision...

Low brow whackin it joke, check.

I think the one thing that has pervaded the entire span of 2010 has been the incredible amount of large scale merkings that have happened. For those of you who aren't hip enough to be familiar with my suburban prep school hybrid version of ebonics that so many of us white breads like to speak, a merking is when someone or something receives an ass-smashing of epic and embarrassing proportions. Not to be confused with a merkin, but we'll get into that at another date. To better illustrate the interpretation of someone or something getting merked I have provided some examples...


Tommy Zbikowski handing out a merking in the ring...

II Kings 2:23-24: The Biblical merking

²³ From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" ²⁴ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Get the idea? 42 children being mauled by bears; straight merking. Well, then without further adieu I give you, the nominees thus far for Merking of the Year 2010.

1.) Haiti. We got the year started off with one whopper of a merking. In January a giant earthquake destroyed the capital city of Port -au-Prince and an estimated 200,000 people died. All over the place people were raising money for aid for the survivors of the ginormous merking they were handed. I guess it takes a natural disaster to guilt humanity into recognizing that everything about Haiti sucks. It was a giant pile of stinky poverty before the earthquake, and now the homeless survivors have to clean up an entire city of ruins and 200,000 dead bodies. Haiti was so merked that George Clooney pooled all of his self-important buddies for a Save Haiti telethon; pretty selfish to ask normal citizens for their hard earned dollars when we all saw you and your buddies steal hundreds of millions of dollars from all those casinos. Haiti, seriously merked.


2.) Lindsay Lohan. I never would've thought that the girl the unstoppable set of redhead boobs from Mean Girls could fall so far. What can I say that hasn't already been said; she fell from "I'm a pseudo-lesbian coke whore" tree and hit every branch coming down. Studios won't hire her, androgynous DJ's wont date her, and as of last week after 2 DUIs and 9 probation violations she is being sent to the bootyhouse. What I never understood was why law enforcement never looked into her British identical twin for some of these crimes, and to imagine Lindsay took the rap for all of them. Its that kind of loyalty that's going to make her a great asset to any one of the many prison gangs she's going to encounter. Lohan: ginger merked.


3.) The Gulf Coast. For 75+ days and counting the deepwater horizon offshore oil drilling site has been spewing oil into the Gulf of Mexico as if if were Kirstie Alley's toilet after an entire afternoon at White Castle. What is so incredible is the fact that this is a merking that just won't stop. It seems like for the last 2.5 months the have sat around shrugging their shoulders and saying "Welp, sorry we merked ya Gulf of Mexico...Fix it? Haha, I mean we'll try, but let's be honest here, we don't have any fucking clue what to do". In a way, watching this thing unfold makes me think of a little kid tapping on a fish tank with his finger and having the whole tank shatter and everything inside pour onto the floor and die, except its not really a fish tank but the Shedd  Aqaurium. Whoopsiedaisy Gulf, sorry for the merking.


And finally...
4.) Anyone within earshot of Mel Gibson. We all thought that this was over when he got pulled over blind drunk in 2006 and unleashed a whirlwind of remarks about his hatred of Jews. Boy were we wrong. In the last 2 weeks we have found out (thanks to his snitchin' ass ex-girlfriend) that Mad Max has a real bad potty mouth, and as it turns out its not just Jews he hates. In his terrible yet incredibly hilarious taped phone conversations he goes on to hand out merk burgers to just about anyone except for exceptional white Catholics like myself. Jews: merked, Mexicans: merked, Blacks: merked, gays: merked, estranged ex-girlfriend's faces and teeth: merked, Mel's career: merked?


So there are the nominees for merking of the year 2010, SBB would love to hear your votes, and none of that liberal hippie "the devastation in Haiti and LiLo's downward spiral shouldn't even be put in the same category" mumbo jumbo because in my world it can. Just view it through my scope, none of these merkings happened to me or have any real direct impact on my life and therefore are funny. Vote on, little bitches.


Ridiculously 80's music video of the day, brought to you by the rocker/space captain Rick Springfield

Merking the interwebs one blog post at a time. 
SBB