Summer Movie Sequels

Here's something that I have held in a draft archive for almost two months, waiting for my previously mentioned art department intern Eileen to finish her job. Her job was to create some movie posters for me, a task she clearly didn't complete. She only finished one, and promptly took a leave of absence from her duties. Alas, I must forge on without her and my much anticipated movie posters...

(Originally dated 3/1/2010)

So last week I saw that a the wheels are in motion to film a sequel to Zoolander. I'm always a little bit apprehensive when thinking about seeing a sequel to a film, because more often than not its atrocious and a waste of my very precious time. Then I got to thinking; if all these sequels are going to inevitably huff balls, why not let me write them? I'm not guaranteeing a box-office smash, but at least it wouldn't make me feel like clawing my own eyes out. So I'm going to give you some movie sequels that I think would be considerably better if they were written and directed by yours truly. Summer blockbusters with a hint of SBB...

Pretty Woman 2: My Girlfriend Is a Hooker

Richard Gere reprises his role as successful businessman Edward Lewis in this sequel, that starts just after 2 weeks after the original (You might be asking yourself how I could fathom putting Richard Gere in the role of a 35 year old man set in 1990? Don't you fret; let's just say our producers are going to be keeping Just for Men: Touch of Gray in business for a long time). After realizing the he loves Vivian Ward he takes he on an extravagant and blissful trip to the Caribbean. Now they're back in the real world with real world obligations, when it suddenly hits Edward like a sledgehammer to the chest: My girlfriend sucks other men's penises for money.

Godfather 4: Mrs. Doubtfire

We all think Don Vito Corleone died towards the end of the original Godfather. Guess again bitches, because as it turns out it was all a ruse to get a truly objective view of how his son Michael would run the family business. In this seemingly final movie in the Godfather saga, we see how the strength of both a crime organization as well as a family are held together by their aging patriarch in a nanny costume. (Since Marlon Brando has been dead for 6 years Robin Williams has been approached to play Don Vito/Mrs. Doubtfire)

Friday Night Lights 2: 19 Year Old Dad

Picking up a year after losing in the Texas football state championship game, the teammates from Permian High School have begun to come to terms with the reality of being a poor kid from an economically lagging town in West Texas. Working midnight shifts at the highway gas station seems only temporary, that is until their girlfriends start getting knocked up. Wamp Wamp.

 Hotel Rwanda 2: Penthouse Pool Party! 

In the original  Hotel Rwanda viewers were shocked and taken aback by the Rwandan genocide, and many were left feeling uncomfortable and confused by the historically accurate scenes that unfolded in front of them. My fan-friendly, lighthearted sequel is in no way based in fact, but merely will serve as a speculative piece that displays what I assume happened immediately after the original film. The militant Hutu's and the surviving Tutsi's put aside their differences and decide to throw a rooftop bash in this homage to the beach themed films of the 1950's. Who knows the type of wackiness that will unfold in this sun-soaked, fruity drink packed extravaganza...

Putting asses in the seats since '09

SBB