Now don't get me wrong, I'm a full-blown patriot through and through and I love the concept of international competition, but as an American I can just never bring myself to appreciate the World Cup. As Americans we have dominated the world of international sports for over 100 years, but I refuse to submit to the powers of soccer simply because of its worldwide appeal, for more than enough reasons. But before I get into why soccer sucks, let me just preface it by saying this...
This is America (pronounced 'Merica) and for 200 years we have served as the leaders of industry, business, scientific exploration, progressive thought, and yes even sports. The thing is, here in undeniably the greatest country in the world, soccer is a sport for 6 year-olds and overzealous, clueless mothers who have nothing better to do than pull their jeans up to their nipples. There is no arguing the fact that in the US, the athletic Mecca, soccer has been relegated to the basement of sport. I'm not saying that World Cup caliber soccer isn't a sport and that soccer players are all gay. No, not at all, because generalizations like that aren't true, like when I say that all Asians turn into Gremlins if you feed them after midnight when deep down I know that probably only half of them are actually Gremlins, but I digress. What I'm saying is, if America doesn't give a shit about soccer right here in our own backyards and local athletic fields, then why are people still getting strong-armed into believing that we're supposed to care about the World Cup?
Let's be honest, we're not any fucking good at soccer, and there's an obvious reason for that. Here in America we focus on sports that aren't lame like basketball, baseball, golf, and football. We'll never be in the upper echelon of soccer because our athletes are out smashing the world's fuckbox in every other sport known to man. But why is it that soccer gets left in the dust? This is the country where every opportunity imaginable is available to you as long as you work hard and have a little bit of skill, the kind of opportunities that aren't available anywhere else in the world. That being said, if you can't make it here, then you've got a problem. There's no easy way of saying this to you soccer, but we're gonna have to let you go.
Being that soccer was cut from the proverbial Freshman B Team here in the great US of A, any place that soccer can thrive is a little suspect for me. In the land of freedom and opportunity soccer has failed but yet it still reigns supreme for entire countries and continents. So the question is, what has been ignored that has allowed the sport of soccer to climb to the top. maybe we should take a look...
South and Central America, a place where beautiful women walk along the beaches in thongs 'aint half bad. It also happens to be a place where it is widely accepted that the drug cartels and criminal organizations have much stronger and more intact infrastructures than their national government's. Children are kidnapped at alarming rates while civilians and tourist are trapped in busses and burned alive for their wallets and purses, but heck, their soccer teams roll on mother fuckers.
Spain & Portugal are playing each other as I type this, a match-up of soccer titans. My first question, one that I assume a lot of other people are asking is, who the fuck is footing their bill? These two nations' flat out refusal to pay their fucking taxes has caused a debt crisis that has essentially tied an Acme anvil to the ankle of other European countries and capital markets. But that Christiano Ronaldo sure is dreamy.
Africa, I saw Blood Diamond and that place seems like it really sucks. Its a place where even I am struggling to find something tongue and cheek to say about it. At the forefront of the AIDS epidemic and where hundreds if not thousands of people starve to death every single day. Hosting arguably the largest spectator even in the world in Africa seems to me at first glance like having an impromptu dance party in the recreational yard of jail. Don't sound to fun to me, especially because the only hot dance beats are coming from one of those stupid fucking vuvuzelas. If soccer is all they've got, then maybe that's a testament to how dire things really are. Ghana, seriously? Jesus, let them have a win or two, it looks like they need it.
All I'm saying is we need to take a breather on this whole World Cup Shmerld Cup thing, because as of right now its a collection of countries that kinda suck playing a sport that an overwhelming amount of people here don't care about. Let's not forget, when we hosted the Cup games back in 1994 all the spectators, more appropriately named "dirty ass foreigners" literally urinated everywhere. The Blue Line tunnels still reek like piss. Thanks World Cup, smell ya later.
Now that the US has been eliminated, if I actually cared about soccer I'd be riding Team Germany, because Germans don't take shit from anyone and that's pretty American of them, plus they have a badass dude named Schweinsteiger who does some serious smashing. Smash on, Schweinsteiger.
"Sure I've been called a Xenophobe, but the truth is I'm not. I honestly feel that America is the best country and all other countries aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism."Ridiculous 1980's music video of the day; Tarzan Boy by Baltimora
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