Mailbag Pt. I

So here it is, you have called and I have answered. I truly appreciate the outpouring of responses that SBB has received in the last two days, and Counselor Swantek must have liked his new nickname because his amount questions can only be described as superfluous. You've done your part and now its my turn, so listen here you beautiful bitches because I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.

Part I. is as follows...

James R, Elmhurst IL
As the winter olympics unfold, and I am helplessly exposed to the "Men's" figure skating, I have noticed that the Asian figure skater's just don't look as gay as the white "dudes." I think this is because all Asians look a little gay to me. Am I racist, or is this something you have noticed too?

This is a very astute observation James, and I have also noticed that the Asian figure skaters aren't looking as gay as most of their opponents in this year's Olympic games. Therefore I must answer your question with a resounding Yes; but noticing that Asian men just seem a little more gay doesn't make you a racist, it means that you have eyes. However, there is a reason why these skaters aren't looking as gay as their counterparts; now I don't have anything that can be considered "evidence" but then again I'm not working for CSI either, so just roll with me on this one. I think that this may be just like in the 2008 Summer Games when China fielded a bunch of underage gymnasts to try and lock in the gold. My theory is that they're at it again, putting women in the place of men in the men's skating events to better their chances of winning. The women in disguise are trying their best to appear like men, and if that means shedding a little traditional gayness to maintain secrecy and win a medal I wouldn't put it past them.I don't know if the International Olympic Committee checks for bulges (albeit little ones, they are asian after all) but they should give the athletes a pat-down under their bedazzled lycra. Like I said before you were also right in that all Asian men just seem to appear a little gay; Asians are in into fads, and when the are able to leave places like China that still harbor many of the Maoist cultural and political inflexibilities and where there's 1.3 billion people that happen to look identical, they seem to love finding anything and everything to make them stand out. In places like the US where you can be gay without getting your hands cut off by the government, they kinda go crazy with it, crazy with the gayness. Just ask yourself one thing; what would Brian Girltano do?

Peter S, LaGrange Park IL
Who is the hood-est player in the NBA/NCAA right now?

Well Petey, I like this question a lot because in my opinion the blog doesn't get to touch on sports topics nearly enough, and in addition, being a kid from River Forest Trillinois I naturally love to talk about things that are straight hood. I figure that if you're trying to decide who the most hood NBA player is you need to go straight to the most hood team in the league, which without a doubt is the Denver Nuggets. That starting lineup has more tattoos than tribal islanders of the South Pacific, and criminal records that would make the Crips cross the street. The most hood player on the team and subsequently the league has to be J.R. Smith. His driving record alone has led to NBA suspensions, jail time, and the death of another human being, all before the age of 24. What besides the inability to operate a motor vehicle makes him hood? He has an extremely wet jump shot that he squirts in the eyes of anyone guarding him, has an enormous Young Money tat across his Adam's apple (see pic) and became good enough friends with Lil Wayne is his New Orleans days that he was able to make an appearance in the Young Money "Bedrock" Video. J.R. Smith is hood as fuck.

As for the NCAA, its a little harder to find one specific player because of the obvious restrictions that college athletes face by the powers that be, but that just means you have to look for the person that shines in a room full of honkeys. The Marquette fan within me makes me really want to say that Dwight Buycks, because he looks like a nappy version of Omarion and continues to wear cornrows into 2010, but that would just be biased. Now you may not agree with my judgment of the truly most hood NCAA player this year, because he doesn't get into legal trouble, hasn't brought any allegations of recruiting violations to his school, and doesn't run around like a retarded gang-banger. John Wall  of the Kentucky Wildcats is not only the best basketball player in the country at the ripe old age of 18, but he is in fact hood as fuck. You may be asking yourself how I came to this conclusion, and all I have to do is direct your attention to the dance that is sweeping the nation. John Wall patented a dance before even setting foot on a collegiate basketball court, and now he has everyone from his coaches, teammates, opponents, endless fans, toddlers, television stars, and yes, even Drake doing his signature dance move. Behold the John Wall Dance...



Paul G, River Forest IL
What do you think is a more powerful indicator of the rebel attitude and lifestyle... Rockin a flowing, waterfall-esque mullet (and I'm not talking about your Barry Melrose hockey mullet. I'm talking about your hardcore, "I would love some extra mayonnaise", Mississippi Mudflap/Tennessee Top hat type mullet.) or displaying a full, thick, healthy mane of chest hair at all times?

Great question from a great citizen, however this one is pretty easy. Being the incredible American that I am it isn't hard to see that having a wonderfully flowing mullet is certainly more indicative of a real man than just a thick collection of chest pubies. It doesn't take a modern day Paul Bunyan to grown some chest hair; shit, if those white pants wearing Mediterranean sissy-boys can do it I bet my 11 year old cousin can too. Nothing says, "I love Budweiser out of a can" or "she hit me first" like a beautifully feathered mullet. However, mullets have received a pretty negative stigma over the last decade and now, men with the courage and true patriotism to rock one are true champions. and don't ever forget Paul, that champions, face to face with their darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.

Deakon, Memphis TN
Johnny "Mox" Moxon, back-up quarterback for the West Canaan High School football team, finally goes up against and takes complete control of the team from his coach and local legend Bud Kilmer during halftime of what will inevitably be Coach Kilmer's 23rd district championship. Totally bogus move or impressive conclusion to an on-going season long power struggle?

When I think about this question I get a feeling in my gut that burns with the fire of 1000 suns. Why? Its because if I was in that locker room I would've had to side with the kid from Dawson's Creek. The legend of Bud Kilmer and his 23 district championships will forever echo in through the hallways at West Canaan High, but Mox brought that reign to a thundering end. The tension was clear from the start; Coach Kilmer wanted his players to think that their football careers were the end-all-be-all of their lives, but Mox wasn't having any of that small town malarkey. Their bad blood was made quite evident in "Moxon, your daddy was a no-talent pussy but at least he listened". It was in a way, just a warped version of Footloose, where the controlling members of small town society simply could not shackle the youth who have aspirations beyond High School and sex with drunk toothless locals. Dancing-football, tomayto-tomahto. Bud Kilmer's days had to come to an end, and Johnny Moxon was the guy that was going to spearhead that operation. It was a bold move by Mox, but someone had to do it. In the end Mox and the rest of the senior captain coach the team to a 23rd district championship, and Kilmer's statue was torn down just like Sadaam's statue in Baghdad. Get Some Mox

Mark S, Chicago IL
Why won't outrageously hot women have sex with me?

Mark, I think you are approaching the situation with the wrong frame of mind. Extremely hot women are used to having men swoon over them, ready to wait on them at a moment's notice. What makes you stand out from the crowd? Some women just want you to be the alpha male and take what you want. So this isn't really a matter of them not having sex with you, because they are waiting for you to grab them by the arm and make animalistic love to them. Trust me, there will be a lot more relations with top notch women if you just become a go-getter. Another word of advice, if you are going to grab sexy women and forcibly have sex with them on the assumption that she is waiting for you to take her, be sure to yell SURPRISE when you're done, that way if she was planning to say you raped her, you cant tell her you it was just surprise sex, and you two can share a hearty chuckle over it.

Mark S, Chicago IL
Why am I constantly itchy in places other than my groin, such as my eyes, nose, head, and butt?

I'm going to have to chalk this one up to sweating problem that I have noticed over the last 4+ years of knowing you. This is only exasperated by your erratic bathing habits.






Don't fret my little babies, the rest of Marky Mrk's, Megan's, and Jesse's inquiries are soon to follow.

Part II coming up tommorow