Without a doubt the DVR has made our television viewing experience much simpler; not only do I get to watch what I want at a time that I have deemed convenient to my schedule, but I also get the added pleasure of hitting fast forward every time I see the beginning of an Activia commercial so I don't have to watch that leathery bag of ugly that is often referred to as Jamie Lee Curtis blabbing about osteoporosis or some other disease invented by bra-burners. Its life's simple pleasures that get me through my day, 1 point for the nerds. However, having the ability to record anything that is broadcasted on TV brings about an array of other problems that didn't exist before, and these problems only get heightened when you live with a number of roommates. When living with a group of other people who all have varying tastes some shows end up getting recorded for reasons completely unknown to me. I understand that my roommates might get confused when they see that I made the conscious decision to record Pregnancy Pact on a Sunday afternoon, but the fact that American Idol has season pass recording every single episode on both of our cable boxes seems to evade every ounce of logic ever. This show has been going on for almost a decade and the viewing public has yet to realize the fact that everything about this show huffs trucker balls. American Idol epitomizes what I hate about television; a collection of marginally talented people coming together wearing Affliction shirts, stupid haircuts, and an empowered effeminate British man. You would think a man that gets paid $50 million per year would be able to figure out that sweaters were made to be worn with something underneath them besides man tits, but then again I'm not claiming to be on the cusp of fashion within the gay community.
I have sparingly watched some of this year's season of Idol, and by that I mean I watched the half of one episode where my dream girl/tits of the decade candidate Katy Perry served as a guest judge. Even with her there as the saving grace to the episode I still barely made it through with my sanity. When I see that someone recorded Idol on my DVR I try and think to myself, "What would I rather do than watch American Idol right now?". My first inclination is to use an ice cream scoop to pop out my eyeballs so I can light them on fire, then put my flaming eyes in an old cigar box, dig a very deep hole and bury said cigar box so as to never have to bear witness to that buttfuck being passed off as America's most captivating television show. By now you should be able to guess how I feel about Idol. If I needed any more of a reason to hate this show (rest assured that I do not), allow me to point out the two biggest absurdities perpetrated by the creators of the show.
1.) There doesn't seem to be anything overtly American about it. Never once has there been mention of Big Mac's, trucks, fake tits, or freedom. Attaching the name "American" to the title is blasphemous, and ultimately an unpatriotic ruse.
The tribe has spoken. Since American Idol gets more like a jam-packed clown car of shit that I hate with every passing season I have made the executive decision that the show and myself simply cannot coexist. From now on American Idol will be referred to as "show that must not be named". Allow me to move on to another atrocity being pawned off as entertainment and also subsequently being recorded by my DVR; I give you Dancing with the Stars.2.) Danny Gokey. There's few things I detest more than inspirational sob stories, but one that certainly trumps them is a Sconnie sob story, especially one that is relentlessly exploited on television. American Idol gave the people of Wisconsin the ability to almost single-handedly ruin my final semester of college. Shame on you.
Almost 23 million people watched the season premiere of DWTS last week, which is a stat that I find absolutely impossible. Don't get me wrong, watching B-list celebrities learn to dance sounds like an incredibly entertaining way to spend time on opposite day, but I don't think that justifies a mass continuation of the show.You can't call me close-minded or uncultured because I happen to love the art of dance, with some of my personal favorites dances being pole dances, table dances, and of course lap dances. As it turns out none of that goes on during the show, giving me no concrete reason to watch. Ok, I'm going to venture into uncharted SBB waters for a minute and remove any sarcasm from my diction; why would anyone honestly want to watch celebrities dance if they aren't any fucking good at it? I don't ever want to watch Kate Gosselin dance on TV. If she was on a show in which she gets fed to a pack of wild dogs I'd be a viewer for life, but I'd rather practice catching bullets with my forehead than watch her or any other do-nothing celebrity prance on stage with some Peruvian gay dude in a bedazzled outfit. There's only one celebrity that I want to watch dance, and that is Mark Madsen.
What's the lesson in today's story? Most things on TV aren't DVR worthy, and when you have to be constantly bombarded with commercials telling you how great a show is, then in all likelihood the show sucks more than most. You may be saying to yourself "How does he think he could make TV better?" and in respect of brevity I will give you my short answer; boobs and swear words.
Say Word,
SBB
I disagree with American Idol being unAmerican. That "...collection of marginally talented people coming together wearing Affliction shirts, stupid haircuts..." is precisely what makes it American. This country loves bathing in mediocrity enough to make that trash the #1 watched show.
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