Confused Radio Listener,
I feel like there is no one with more credibility than you as a suburban, privately-educated, white male to help me with this quandary: Can you please explain this whole Nikki Minaj thing to me??? I really just do not get it.
Well let's get this established, she's probably not a human. I like to imagine her as the offspring between a Black Panther activist and a robot from Planet Skankulon. However you are right that a person of my background and pedigree would be the highest authority on the matter, because during the formative and impressionable years of a boy as lily-white as myself, nothing is more fascinating as Hip-Hop culture. I also bought weed from a black guy once so I'm pretty much the Young Jeezy of River Forest IL. But alas, I am just as confused as you when it comes to Nikki Minaj. First of all, what's up with her name? I assume its a reference to a "Menage A Trois", but let's get real for a second, because this bitch doesn't speak one fucking word of French. The closest thing she ever came to speaking French was getting gang banged by a group of displaced Haitians. Personally she doesn't turn me on, (two strikes against you in my book) she doesn't interest me as a rapper, and like I said before I'm pretty sure she's an intergalactic robot. Her raps are 16 bar collections of her yelling into a microphone while changing her voice in 30 second intervals. She constantly sounds like shes trying to threaten me, and I don't know if she's aware of this or not, but I'm from the West side, and I don't get threatened by no bitch.
What I do know is that she's not a very good rapper, mostly because she's a woman. For the most part she's fighting a losing battle. The fact that she specializes in over-sexualized rap isn't helping her out much either. Rap is an arena where literally hundreds of astonishingly stupid human beings have made millions by melodically timing lines like "Toot that ass up mama, put that dip in your back" and "Make your pussy fart". I know, I know, its like Shakespeare on Purple Drank. Rap is a man's game. In reality, only guys can get away with saying the grotesquely sexual and selling it as music for two reasons; the first is that we're bigger and more physically intimidating and you can't do anything about it, and secondly because its just a lot more natural. Let's be honest, if someone is rapping about something raunchy and borderline gross, it just doesn't feel right unless I can picture that person being a 6 foot tall black man in a mink coat pouring champagne on girls with no self-esteem. It just doesn't work. ITS NOT RACIST IF ITS TRUE!!! And when it comes to Nikki, I cant think of anything less appealing than telling a guy that you think its time to put your pussy on his sideburns. If that's your idea of dirty talk then I bet you dropped out of school before taking Human Anatomy because that's nowhere near my boner. Seriously, don't even fucking think about trying that.
In my personal opinion, coincidentally the only one that matters here, I think she has a much better chance of if she sticks to pop music. She can probably have a pretty successful music career if she chooses to do so. Since its not hard to make a catchy tune these days, and the world is full of an astounding amount of fucking idiots, she should be teaming up with the clan of cretins commonly referred to as the Black Eyed Peas, and churning out Top 40 hits that have Ryan Seacrest creaming his panties 4-5 times a year.
ZHSK,
I actually didn't see the victoria secret show but it sounds like its just soft core porn on CBS. Which brings me to my question, isn't soft core porn better that hard core or is that just me?!?! It has better plots and the girls are typically better looking, and less porn star-ish. I have this argument with my ex-roommates a lot.
In a number of respects the Victoria's Secret show was a lot like a soft-core porno, one major difference being that the women were genuinely beautiful and weren't pretending to give blow jobs in a scenic villa. I think you have a lot of insight into the strange dynamic of soft-core/hardcore porn, and I am delighted to throw my hat into the ring. Soft core porn does indeed have better plots, insomuch as that it actually makes an attempt at having somewhat of a plot. However it also does leave a number of questions unanswered; for instance, why are they always on some tropical resort? Where is that weird fucking music coming from? Why aren't they actually having sex? I digress... A hardcore porn movie doesn't even try to have a plot anymore. "What did you say sexy nurse? I'm gravely ill and the only cure is where? IN YOUR PUSSY??? I beg you, save me if you can!". I find it hard to blame the females actresses for not exactly being stage trained, because if you have resorted to letting people film you while drinking a stranger's jizz from a martini glass, all for the sake of a paycheck, then you were probably dead inside long before I started writing this blog.
You're also right in the fact that soft-core porn has better looking women, in the traditional sense. The kind of women who star in "Hot Springs Hotel" and other softcore titles all seem to look the a stereotypical 34 year old trophy wife who moonlights as a struggling actress. Most of them all genuinely decent looking humans, as copmpared to many of the women in hardcore porn, who look like truckstop prostitutes who shoplifted their outfits and eye makeup from a strip mall. The soft core women may legitimately be "sexy" (if there's a gayer term, I'm unaware of it) while many of the girls in hardcore porn look like bleached out sacks of bronzer and cocaine. The reason you don't see girls looking like that anywhere besides porn movies and motorcycle parts catalogs is because they are no longer that girls they once were. No, they are once-regular girls that have now been fucked far beyond recognition. But to understand the attractiveness breakdown in the soft vs. hard core debate, you must understand the dynamic of the seperation. A hardcore porn producer doesn't have very much leeway when it comes to physical looks because, in the end, there's only a select few women on this Earth willing to let some perv with a ponytail film them shoving a bowling pin up their ass.
Soft core porn was great for what it was. When I was 12 it may have been the greatest thing ever; part of it was the awakening every young boy experiences when he starts to realize all the magical and amazing things he can do with his penis. Also, back then there was a strange allure to the concept of people fucking on television. You watched because it was dangerous; dangerous not only because you might get caught watching something filthy, but also dangerous because you didn't want your parents to know you were masturbating in the family TV room. You knew you weren't supposed to be watching it, but why would your Dad pay for cinemax if we weren't going to use the whole spectrum of its programming? Adolescent rationale at its best. At the end of the day the soft core experience was a sensual game of cat and mouse that left you aroused, but didn't cross the line enough to quell your stiffy. Then you get a little bit older, and your eyes are opened to the seemingly limitless world of smut. But, like in so many other avenues in life, once you cross that threshold you're gone forever. In a way its like how when you hire an agent before the NFL draft you can no longer hold an amateur status with the NCAA, and how when a guy sucks a penis just one time, he is 100% gay (FACT).
Hardcore porn doesnt play into a man's sense of danger or excitement, it just leaves you feeling a little weird and slightly ashamed of yourself. It doesn't help matters much when you hear some of the vile shit that comes out of their mouths mid-coitus (or what goes into their mouths HEYOOOOOO!!!!). Sometimes as some poor girl is getting her piping demolished I catch myself thinking "What would her parents say about this?" and then I quickly remember that they clearly don't have any parents, thus leading them to this situation in the first place.
To answer your question Zaid, soft core porn certainly has an upper hand in some categories. Yes the talent is considerably less whorish looking and they make an attempt at a storyline, but the mystique associated with soft core just doesn't do it past the high school age. It comes to a point where the danger your mind associates with the soft core experience just cant trump the awe and shock value from mainstream hardcore fuck films. I think the point I am trying to make, to put it succinctly, is that once you've watched two Russian girls piss on each other, there's really no going back to your old life.
Anonymous Anne
So one time I hooked up with this man and he turned to me the next morning and goes..."So you're on Birth Control right?" Should my feelings be hurt that he didn't want to have babies with me or should I just understand that maybe he's not ready yet to be a father?Well "Anonymous", if I were to take something away from this situation it certainly wouldn't be any hurt feelings, but rather some concern. If this guy had to ask you whether or not you're on BC I think its fair to deduce that he probably came inside you. The fact that he did this without knowing whether or not you still had the goalie in net so to speak, probably means he's a supreme fucking idiot, and that's not the kind of guy you want to be having kids with anyway. Ever notice that the stupidest people all have a ton of kids? Now does that shock you?
Of course he isn't ready to be a father, none of us are. No, I'm not saying that guys are age should really be more focused on experiencing their 20's and having fun out on the town with our friends-kind of "not ready". I mean we are never ready; one of the great parts of our more advanced intellect is the part of our brain that reminds us men that children fucking suck. We'll do everything in our power not to have a kid. We'll voluntarily pull our penises out of the most beautiful and inviting of love tunnels just as the best part is about to happen just to avoid this very predicament, which is dumbfounding once you really think about it. Sometimes we'll even wear condoms for fuck's sake. Its not because we are all perpetually immature or afraid of growing up, its because we would rather shit hot knives than have a fucking child. Have you ever been on a plane with a child? Hell on Earth. Ever tried to have a conversation with a 4 year old? They'll straight up tell you that yesterday they saw an elephant eating cotton candy in their back yard, as if you're the one who still pisses themselves rather than the one with a college degree. Kids are the worst.
Which brings me to a topic that I have been wanting to address on here for a while... You wanna know who else really isn't mature enough to be having a baby? Anyone who puts pictures of their baby on Facebook. I'm not talking about the people in their 30's and 40's who's lives are so boring that they think that going to a pumpkin patch and taking pictures of their snot-nosed children is a fulfilling weekend. No I'm talking about the kind of people that were on facebook within the first 18 months of the site's existence. If you are young enough to know what the website was like before they started making movies about it, there's a good chance you shouldn't be posting pictures of that baby you had out of wedlock. To be clear, it's not so much the fact that you're relatively young for motherhood, because age really doesn't determine your quality as a parent. I'm much more aggravated by the fact that some people don't realize that if you are still so tied to facebook that you feel the need to post pictures of what is, to all outward appearances the biggest mistake you have ever made, then you probably don't have the common sense that God so graciously bestowed upon goldfish.Let's be honest, if you aren't ready to let facebook go in the face of enormous new responsibilities, then you can't exactly fault me for thinking that perhaps you aren't mature enough to raise a human. Something seems a little off when I look through your photo albums and one titled "Our New Family: Hospital Pics" next to pictures of you and your friends making kissy faces in your dorm and pissing in alleys. Yeah you're right, Now I guess I'M the asshole.
Megan,
I heard that men who have strange obsessions with felines are generally pedophiles with daddy issues. Is this true?
No, and jeez lay off a guy for once. You have one family cat growing up and all of a sudden people love to label you as the crazy widow down the street that wears sweaters in July or some closeted psychopath that wants to lure the UPS guy into their apartment so they can kill them and turn their skin into lamp shades. I truly don't understand the indignation people have for cats or people who own one. It seems to me that everyone who hates cats does so because they yanked some cat's tail when they were young and got scratched on their hand. And if I suggest that maybe, just maybe, I'm not a huge dog person then all of a sudden I'm some fucking jihadist.
Wanna know the greatest part about cats? They leave you the fuck alone. They don't come running around knocking shit over begging for attention, they don't make any noise, and they take care of themselves. Occasionally they catch mice, but usually they just lay around all day in a warm spot, and let you go about your much more important human being business. Any mongoloid that will try to defend themselves by saying that dogs are a man's best friend is someone that probably doesn't have very many fucking friends.
"But you don't understand, my dog loves me! He's waiting for me as soon as I get home every day". Eat shit. Your dog gives you attention because it knows you are the thing that feeds it, and the reason its waiting for you to come home every day is probably because its been confined to your shitty apartment all afternoon and the only thing its been able to do today was destroy your nice shoes. My family's cat never destroyed a pair of alligator-skin loafers, I know that for a goddamn fact. Something tells me that if Shiloh was as smart as you think then he wouldn't have taken a shit in the middle of the living room carpet. Jusssss sayin. So lay off people who have cats. Unless you see me on Animal Hoarding I think its safe to say that my choice of an incredibly low maintenance pet doesn't make me a serial killer. No, the fact that I'm sitting in a tree outside of your bedroom window waiting for you to fall asleep makes a serial killer. Oh yeah, and if you're the kind of person that owns a chihuahua or any other lapdog that you dress up in retarded outfits for your amusement, then I hope you catch leprosy and slowly fall apart one appendage at a time.
Johnny Mustard Biscuits,
May I add that Helen Keller is entirely made up. She is as fictional as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and Muhammed. How can a person who was born blind and death learn to speak??? If anyone can give me a rational explanation im all ears. Helen Keller is a fictional character to give people with severe disabilities false hope. If you are disabled and you need an inspiring story I suggest you watch sling blade because Karl Childress is a true American disabled hero. MMMM I LIKE THE WAY YOU TALK
Ahh Mustard Biscuits, how wonderful it is to hear from you. Even though the topic you inquire about wasn't really presented in the form of a question, I will address it anyway because its both closeminded and ignorant, and I LOVE IT.
I hate the Helen Keller story more and more every time I think about it. She has always been protrayed as the bastion of overcoming difficulties and accomplishing great achievement in the face of setbacks and adversity, but I call bullfeathers. Helen Keller was a blind/deaf woman who overcame her physical disabilities and went on to become the first deaf/blind person to graduate with a bachelor's degree. She also went on to work for political issues such as women's suffrage and worker's rights (alledgedly) How she did this without the ability to see, hear, or communicate with others? Simple answer: she didn't, its all malarkey.
Keller had been blind and deaf since she was 18 months old. It is believed that Helen Keller's personal teacher Annie Sullivan was able to teach her to read and begin the formation of her communication abilities by putting a doll in Keller's hand and spelling out D-O-L-L on her hand with water. Yeah, that makes total sense. Helen was probably thinking "Uhh who the fuck is poring water on me, this person needs to stop getting my hands all wet" but of course it was probably more like "Amrlnhorjhipuertbkngtojsmhhhhhhhh" considering she doesnt know how to speak and all. I highly doubt that while this little exercize was going on she thought to herself "Maybe shes trying to teach me how to spell the name of the thing she put in my hand?", mostly because she has no idea what spelling is, what words are, or probably even what a doll is. Just to give this a little perspective, when I was 18 months I'm pretty sure I had absolutely no fuicking clue what was going on. My mom most likely played with me and addressed me in that Mommy-Baby talk (which is undeniably annoying) and fed me every day while calling herself "mommy" right in front of my face. My ability to recognize who she is, and after hearing her tell me that she was my mother for a long enough during the early formative time in my development, I probably had a pretty easy time figuring shit out. It probably also helped aout a whole lot that I had eyes and ears, and they fucking worked. Without those I would've just been an incredibly loud and annoying, pink, shitting machine.
"Doll" - Yeah she must be trying to tell me what thins thing in my hand is, because I obviously know what the fuck she's talking about. A girl that has been blind and deaf since infacy, with no rememberance of the world pre-deaf/blind, wouldn't just have a difficult time learning icommunication skills, it would be undeniably impossible. It would be impossible for the simple fact that she cannot receive information from others, let alone have a way of connecting that information to something tangible that could possibly give them meaning.
If I was rendered deaf and blind at an age where I was still shitting myself multiple times a day, I thinks it would be fair to deduce that I probably would never be able to grow developmentally. Eventually my sense of touch/feel would alert me to the fact that when my bowels were distressed and soon after I felt a hot steaming mess in between my asscheeks, I would "learn" that it was a daily function and would come to understand it on a basic level. Besides that, i wouldn't have much of a chance.
Feel good story? Sure! Inspirational? You betcha! True? No dice, sugartits. Its 2011, and I think its about time that we, collectively as a group, drop the "Helen Keller grew up to be a college graduate and an inspiration to millions" because its....errr...uhhh....bullshit. You're right Biscuits, Helen Keller is a farce. She was a creation to give 4th grade girls something to write biography reports about besides Eleanor Roosevelt and that bulldyke Helen Thomas. FACT
And just for you...
The rest of your questions will be answered in Part Deux
Over and Out Ghostrider,
SBB
