Guest Blogger: gettin' Jiggy With The End Of The World

Today SBB welcomes its first guest blogger, and I assure you this privelage does not come by easy. Jesse Ford has requested an opportunity to drop knowledge on you mofos. Today's topic; musings on the Mayan Apocalypse and the man who may just save your life. mark your calendars, just two more years until the Day of Reckoning bitches.










12/21/2010

First and foremost, I would like to express my gratitude to Snoop Bloggy Blog for allowing me to drop knowledge on all of you unsuspecting, apathetic, and poorly prepared readers.

As I’m sure is common practice for many others in our society, I prefer to fall asleep while watching television at night. I have become very adept at using the sleep timer, and find it easier to relax my mind and fall into my nightly dreams with the television’s presence. In trying to sleep, I purposely do not watch any programming that I find overly interesting or captivating that may keep me awake, such as SVU re-runs or MTV reality shows. Instead, I choose to turn on shows on CNN and/or the Discovery and History channels. While watching such programming can often times be mentally stimulating, I rarely fail to fall asleep after an extended period of time. With one notable exception.

One evening as I was retiring to my bed, I flipped past a special on one of the aforementioned channels and was unable to sleep for hours that night, and unable to sleep comfortably for weeks after the fact.

**Side note: who cares what channel it really was and what the name of the program was. People don’t really enjoy shows on the Discovery Channel; they like the idea of watching that Discovery Channel so they can attempt to show others how intellectual they are (notable exception: Cash Cab. It doesn’t hold a proverbial candle to Jeopardy, but an enjoyable show). “Yeah, I don’t even watch TV. Those reality shows on MTV are stupid. I pretty much only watch the educational stuff on the Discovery Channel because it’s interesting.” Go F*** yourself, ‘Discovery Channel guy.’ If you can honestly tell me that you would rather watch some douche bag roll around in animal shit on Dirty Jobs than see Snookie get punched in the face by some drunk guy on Jersey Shore, then you are a moron and lead an extremely boring and uninteresting life.**

Anyway, I got caught into a special about all of the “myths” and “rumored phenomenon” about the potential end of the world as we know it on December 21st, 2012. I will spare you with all of the details about what can/will happen in two years from now, because that is what Wikipedia is for. Just know that we are going down. There are too many coincidences and theories out there from proven sources (newsflash: the Mayans and Nostradamus haven’t ever really been wrong about anything. Ever).With this, I thought I should mentally prepare the readers of SBB and allow them to prepare accordingly for the end of civilization.

First and foremost, I highly recommend that people prepare their personal bucket lists of things they want to do before the world ends (my personal top 5 you ask? 5.) Live in South America 4.) Buy something really nice for my parents to show my everlasting gratitude 3.) Punch Jay Cutler in the dick 2.) Appear in a rap music video 1.) Make out with Annie Griffin). Get your bucket list made as quickly as possible and do all you can do accomplish the goals you get out for yourself soon; you only have two years.

(Allow SBB to interject for a moment: There will be not dick-punching of All-The-Way Jay)

After making and planning to execute your bucket list, it is never too early to begin planning for the chaos that will ensue two years from now. While there are many theories out there on just how chaotic things will get, none of which can be trusted significantly more than the other, it is vital that people are aware that anything is possible when discussing the end of the world. Because of this, I have made plans that will coincide with the adaptation that may prove to be necessary.

(Uhhh, Jesse, maybe you should've asked John Cusack what the deal was, he made a documentary about this after all...)

After saying goodbye to my family and closest friends in early December of 2012 (who will probably going about their normal lives like the naïve people that they are), I will make my way to California, and as the date of destruction nears, I will do as best as I possibly can to be in the direct vicinity of an individual that has been trained and actively participated in adverse situations and dealt with many (if not all) of the potential problems that one can expect on 2012. That person is known as Willard Christopher Smith.


Will Smith can and will cover a lot of bases concerning the potential looming disasters. Throughout his career, he has successfully dealt with the following scenarios that I have considered possible two years down the road.

If the human species goes completely extinct, I would trust Will (I Am Legend). If there were to be an alien take over, I would trust Will (Independence Day, Men in Black I and II). If there was a Robot takeover and anarchy, I would trust Will (I, Robot). If there were to be issues with drug dealers (Bad Boys I and II) and/or Western Outlaws (Wild Wild West), I would trust Will. If I needed organs (Seven Pounds), I would trust Will. If I faced extreme poverty (The Pursuit of Happiness) or could not attain the affection of the girl I am madly in love with (Annie Griffin…. I mean Hitch), I would trust Will.

All of the above scenarios could come into play in 2012, and all in all there is no other individual I would prefer to guide and accompany me upon the disaster that will go down. If Jeff Goldblum, Eva Mendes, or his dog from I Am Legend (oh wait, he got killed by aliens) are around as well, I’m not mad about it.

(I'll take Carleton over these schoolboy bitches any day...)



Note that I only discussed his movie career above. I did not even begin to mention his role in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or the musical genius he created known as Big Willie Style (EVERYONE’s first album owned in elementary school. That, or the Spacejam soundtrack) or Willenium. I also felt no need to mention his accomplishments as a husband and father. If Will Smith is in fact, God, is Jaden Smith in turn Jesus Christ, the Messiah? I’m not sure, but if I were to see him walk on water I cannot say that I would be surprised.

(Blasphemy!)

Will Smith is one of the very few people who have the capability to save me from the impending end of the world in two short years, and I could not be happier with the fact that I already have the insight to recognize this and plan ahead for my survival. Willard Christopher Smith has been and will continue to be one of the most accomplished individuals in the world, and I could not be more comfortable in putting my fate in his hands upon civilization’s potential destruction.

You now have two full years to come up with your own plan. Since I have already called “dibbs” on Will Smith, I wish the rest of you the best of luck. To the best of my knowledge, Tom Cruise is still available for all of your salvation needs.

Regards,

Jesse A. Ford

Musings on the Blind, Deaf, and Busty, with Masturbatorial Undertones

Mailbag: Episode 3 coming in the next edition of SBB, so take an active role in your blog experience and post a question, and don't just send me a picture of your nuts (I'm talking you you Jesse)

Maybe you have noticed but I haven't been attacking the blog-sphere as often as I used to. I'd like to blame this on the fact that my new(ish) job requires a considerable amount of focus. Not that my new job is excruciatingly hard, but considering that I could have trained a dolphin to do my old accounting job, its certainly a step up in the responsibility department. The downside; I don't get to blow off entire afternoons to devote to ejaculating 2000+ words of genius into your eyes. My lack of free time at work has led to a deficiency in inspiring material, alas I do not have many long blowhard-y gripes to offer you. But what I have been lacking in a serious muse I have found in some odd observations as of late that I have found really puzzling. I think you all know this by now so it goes without saying that there are some truly unspeakable things that drift through my mind because I'm strangely perverted wildly imaginative. Oh well, let's go exploring into my observations.

Living and working in a metropolis like Chicago, not a day goes by where you don't see something totally fucking odd. Over the last few weeks I haven't been able to help but notice that there are a ton of blind people just strolling the streets of Chicago. I'm not joking, I see like 5 blind people every day, They're fucking everywhere. What could these people possibly be doing? I know they don't exactly get sent to a farm for the blind, but I just see what kind of plans these guys could have possibly made for that day. "Hey guys, what are you guys doing today? Oh that sounds like fun, but does it involve your eyes? Oh it does, shit. I guess I'll just catch you guys later, being that I'm blind an all". To be walking around the Loop at 7:30 am suggests to me that they have jobs, which I find both remarkable and baffling at the same time. What was that job interview like? "Well sir, what are your strengths?"..."Uh well I'd say my resiliency, considering I made it to this interview on time and my fucking eyes don't work". Obviously a lifetime of being blind has forced them to find other ways to get acclimated to the world around them, but I almost get hit by a bus or a cab every afternoon and I have eyes like a god damn hawk, so the fact that blind guys aren't getting smashed in the middle of the street daily is miraculous to me. Perhaps the one thing that has definitely dawned on me now that I have begun to notice these mobs of blind people, is that being blind must totally fucking suck, suck way more than being deaf.

Speaking of deaf people, why do they all talk like Charlie Brown's teacher with a mouth full of Novocaine? I get it, you can't hear yourself, but someone needs to sign to you that you're talking like a dumbass. Seriously, spit it out mush-mouth. The other day at work some lady started talking to me and at first I had no idea what she was saying. I was immediately thinking to myself, "Holy shit, either this lady has the worst sinus infection of all time or shes legitimately fucking deaf". In her defense, it is cold season, but I was so confused that I'm pretty sure I made a face at her that suggested that my mother huffed chemicals from under the kitchen sink while she was pregnant with me. I didn't know if I was supposed to speak really slowly and obnoxiously mouth my words like I have to with my 89 year old grandpa or just nod like a putz. What if I did that and she wasn't deaf? I was going to look like the world's biggest retard. I totally panicked, and ended up saying "okey dokey" giving her a thumbs up, and walking back to my desk feeling like an idiot. So yeah, fuck you too, deaf people.

I started writing this post during the Victoria's Secret fashion show, and I'm going to assume you all were watching as well, because... uhh... why the fuck wouldn't you be? What are you in Al-Qaeda or something? I'd be willing to bet that even the blind people I was making fun of earlier were whacking it. Either way, if you missed it go ahead and do your genitals a solid and watch it online. Honestly, I know we all have busy schedules but if you can read my misogynistic and racist blog then I find it hard to believe you make time in your day to watch arguably the ten most physically perfect women on the planet walk around in their underwear and high heels. I'm sure even the gays love this thing for all the foofy-poofy outfits and makeup, and whatever gay guys like besides bulges. See, there is fun to be had by all!



As if I needed any more reason to watch the Victoria's Secret fashion show, it featured multiple performances by my favorite set of singing tits, Katy Perry. As you probably already know, this blog is loosely dedicated to my perverted obsession with KP, but honestly this might be the greatest thing since sliced bread, and loaves of bread before that. I went to private school so I know I'm smart enough to tell the difference between reality and Hollywood fiction, but as of right now I'm convinced that CBS is run by Leo DiCaprio and that turd from 3rd Rock From the Sun, because after putting Katy Perry's chesticles and Victoria's Secret angels on one stage I feel like someone just Inception-ed my wet dreams.

Just a few observations I made while watching and concurrently trying not to paint my shorts a dull shade of white (c'mon I was drinking skim milk I swear!) seeing KP and the Victoria's Secret angles on stage. First of all, the CBS cameraman was getting rather gratuitous with the closeups on Katy's boobs, helping to make me believe that I was somehow controlling the camera's focus with my mind and/or penis. Secondly, all these girls are gorgeous, but who invited the asian chick? This is going to sound racist no matter how I put it so I'm just going to go for it; I understand that this was done to appeal to a wider audience, but let's be honest, my boner has no understanding of political correctness. Not that she wasn't attractive, but **spoiler alert: irrational comparison** its just like when our grade school math books would have a picture on the cover of a paraplegic kid in a wheelchair standing around with her friends as their about to play double-dutch jump rope. Its like Forrest Gump's mother used to say; "Sometimes...people do things that just don't make no sense".

As I'm watching this amazing display of all the things I picture when I'm home alone with my Jergen's, I can't help but feel conflicted. I'd like to think that I have had my fair share of delightful sexual encounters in my day, but as I'm marveled at how absolutely gorgeous these women are, I can't help but feel like I have truly achieved nothing thus far. And the fact that some guitar playing sleazes and French guys who wear scarves during August gets to make some old fashioned penis-and-vagina action with these women legitimately hurts my feelings. I feel like Will Hunting's math teacher when he realizes that even though he teaches at MIT, he will likely never achieve what some dirty, ungrateful, schlub can do in his sleep. Alas, woe is me.

I'm not even sure what I would do if I got to the chance to touch one of these women naked though. I'd cut off my own thumb to get KP to let me try to put a baby in her belly, and then subsequently do some pretty sick, yet imaginative sexual acts with my severed thumb, but what would I be like afterward? Part of me thinks that I would force myself to lie down in traffic because no other experience in life could ever hold a candle to that; life would be a constant rainy day. But on the other hand, maybe my life post-coitus with KP would somehow take on some new cosmic importance. Maybe burying myself in her mammary abundance would somehow open my eyes to all the previously unseen beauty in this world. I don't know, I'll let you know when it happens.

In the meantime I want you loyal followers to know that SBB has a new obsession candidate (spots currently or previously filled by Katy Perry, Olivia Wilde, and Kathy Bates). Her name is Erin Heatherton, she's a Victoria's secret angel, and she makes my bathing suit area feel funny.

She is currently giving Iron Mike Tyson a run for his money in SBB's favorite boxer category. She's nice, I want to touch her.

As I Stated before, I'm inviting you take participate in your blogging experience and taking questions for Mailbag Pt. 3, so feel free to ask away, but don't think I'm going to answer any questions about those dick pics I "allegedly" texted many of you. Screw you, you don't have any proof.

SBB out