I started this post last week but I had to edit it for the sake of brevity, and because before I finished it I saw something else equally as unimpressive getting ass-tons of attention. Thus, I decided to shorten them and turn them into one solitary post. You're going to come out as as the winner on this because I know how you kiddies eat up my ignorant griping like Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Now I must warn you, this post might just make you think I'm a pretentious asshole, but hey, the egg's on your face because I am. I'm joking, but seriously.
Like I stated before last week I bore witness to two groups of people receiving outpourings of affection from the masses, and I couldn't help but say to myself, "eh, not that impressed". And since I'm a part time blogger and full time dickhead, I decided to write a little bit about it. I don't expect to you to side with me 100%, because society says that would make you a total shitbag, but I find it hard to believe that you can totally dissagree with my following sentiments.
Last Monday I found myself feeling the more unimpressed than I have in a long time. The day before, thousands of people came together for the annual running of the Chicago Marathon. Why was it that I saw an almost uncountable amount of people walking around the city in the t-shirt they got from participating in the race. Dude we get it, you ran the marathon, but now its time you got over yourself. I can't help but think that the people walking around with their free marathon shirt the very next day afterward happen to be the very same people that shoved the fact down everyone's throat in the months leading up to it. My biggest gripe with marathon runners is that they would like you to think that by completing marathon they are either a superior person to you, or a superior athlete. To which I reply, "No Col. Sanders, you're wrong!".
Now don't get me wrong, running 26.2 miles no matter your time is a feat that I can respect, but what I don't respect is the smug, self-involved attitude that so often comes with it. "Hey guys, did you hear I'm running the marathon this year?". Yeah I think I remember some of the hundred times you casually dropped that tidbit into conversation. It was also kinda hard to miss all the obnoxious Facebook status updates you posted like, "Ugghhh, terrible day at work and now I have to run 15 miles :( ". Which reminds me, if you chose to train and run a marathon you probably should keep the complaints to a minimum.
I had plenty of friends that ran and hats off to all of them because, as I said before its a comendable physical challenge, but let's not get ahead of ourselves and call it significant. You know what would make it significant? If you won the marathon, that would get a great congratulations from me. However, seeing as though you are not some Kenyan guy, you're just Frankie Fuckface who just decided to run because he thought it would be cool, you're going to get very little out of me. I get it, you pushed yourself to your physical limit, but so did 41,000 other people, and that was just on a Sunday. A lot of people would say that I'm missing the point, and that its about pushing themselves to their personal best, But if that was the case then why are the same people constantly talking about it. If it was just about pushing yourself then why is it necessary for everyone and their mother to know ou ran the fucking marathon? I don't even really want to get started on the amount of time you dedicted to this whole thing; the fact that most, if not all of you spent such an exorbitant amount of time training for this race baffles me. I simply cannot justify spending that much time every day just running, and anyone who can has been eating retard-burgers. I dont know exactly what I did with all the time I was not training for the marathon, but I guarantee it was way more productive, even if all I was doing was playing with sock puppets in my apartment and making up songs about my penis. Don't snicker, that right is afforded to my as an American.
Another aspect of the marathon runner buttfuck-a-palooza are the people that guilt you into supporting them because they are running for a cause. I just don't feel as though I should have to give you money just because you don't have any discernable hobbies. "Hey did you hear I'm running the marathon for Lupus research?". Yeah I heard you the other 1000 times you mentioned it, and I still don't care enough to even google what lupus is. If I cared at all about either you or the cause I would just ask you where I can donate money, but you wouldn't want that, because then you wouldn't be able to put all the focus on yourself. Listen dude, you aren't Forrest Gump, don't tell me you were all of a sudden overcome with the urge to just go run, and (insert charity here) was that reason. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying you shouldn't support a charitable cause, but don't make it my burden just because you decided you wanted to run the marathon, because that's selfish and I learned in preschool that being selfish gets a free admission to the time out chair. It's not that they're running for a charity, its that they have the whole idea backwards; the concept of running to support anything, is that you're participation in the event is supposed to draw people's attention to the cause, but from what I have gathered, an overwhelming amount of said people run for a charity so that a larger group of friends and colleagues with commend them for running in a hard race. Essentially, if you decided to use the veil of a charity to draw attention to the fact that you voluntarily elected to run the marathon then you my friend, are a supreme piece of shit.
I have always found it strange that people think they need to go do something extreme to get obligate others to give money or attention to something, and I think this is especially true when it comes to marathons. Since I was in kindergarten I have participated in sports, and over that period of time I have realized that for the most part, running fucking sucks. Running is what coaches made kids like me do for dicking around at practice, fucking up, and just acting like a shithead in general. I always wondered why people would just run as their athletic activity, but then it dawned on me; running is a great sport for people who conveniently suck at sports. Now I'm not saying you aren't an athlete if all you do is run, no far from it, being a runner and an athlete are certianly not mutually exclusive. All I'm saying is that my sister ran Track and Cross Country in High School and she is possibly the slowest and least athletic person I know. Whatever, that's beside the point. Running a marathon is great and all, but don't for a minute think that it makes you better than me at anything. I even saw people wearing their marathon medals to work. You know what that say to me? "hey everyone look at me, I'm really good at running for long periods of time without stopping!" Well ya know what else that makes you good at? Being a fucking dork. Marathon runner? Not impressed.
You know what's impressive? That mofo Karl malone
Ridiculous 1980's music Video of the day
Not Impressed Part Deux coming soon
SSB
