Earlier today I opened up the blog to a little Q&A sesh, and after thinking long and hard about your questions all day I am ready to divulge my answers and opinions, so here you go bitches.

What do guys expect when they buy a girl a drink at a bar? - Ashley C, Milwaukee WI

Well Ashley that question is both hard and easy to answer at the same time; hard because I don't personally buy girls drinks at bars and on the far outside chance that I do its because I want you to think that I'm rich. Its also pretty easy to answer this one because as you probably have already figured out, men have a one track mind. He bought you that drink for one core reason, he wants to have sex with you. He probably doesn't care that you're a kindergarden teacher, that you have two dogs, or really anything you are going to say; he sent that drink because he wants to take your pants off. To put this into perspective we need to know what kind of drink he buys you because that says a lot about what his sexual intentions are.

He buys you a beer: you two are probably already friends and he doesn't feel the need to get flashy with it. He knows there's probably a small chance of sex but he's just throwing it out there. Either that or you're fat. One or the other, sometimes both.

He buys you some queer fruit infused cocktail: He's looking at you thinking "I wonder if that girl is DTF, let's find out" .

He offers to buy you some shots: He wants to see how quick you intend on getting yourself hammered, because in my observation shots don't ride solo, they are usually followed by a few more of their little friends. Essentially what he is looking for is an aggressive public makeout right there at the bar, followed immediately by a little romp in a taxi, possibly with an under the pants HJ.

How do guys feel about about their friend's sloppy seconds? - Ashley C, Milwaukee WI

How sloppy are we talkin' here? For the most part we aren't going to bat an eyelash at the issue of sloppy seconds, unless it is indeed sloppy. In the case of a friend's ex you may need to wait an extended amount of time before making a pass. As long as things are square, go get after it.

How much older/younger is it aceeptable to date? - Ashley C, Milwaukee WI

You're awfully inquisitive today Ashley, maybe you should quit hogging all the questions and let someone else try for once. To answer your question, I don't see any real age barriers for guys, girls are a different story (don't be a floozy, stick with someone near your age). There are a lot of hot older women in this world, and judging by the copious amounts of 35+ muff in any Wrigleyville bar after a Cubs game that have clearly taken off their wedding bands and have a pale ring around their sexy tan hands to prove it, I'd say they are looking for a studly 23 year old with hopes of feeling young again. More power to you cougar lady. As for the younger girls, that's a horse of a different color. For the most part we try to stay away from trysts that can put you behind bars, but exceptions to the rule can be made. Take for instance, the case of Ms. Miley Cyrus; if anybody tells you they have watched the Party in the USA music video and said they didn't want to see Miley movin' her hips like yeah all day is a liar and a bad one. I know what you're saying "she's 17 and that's gross". Well smartass, there was a point in my life when 17 year olds were the only age group that would have sex with me, so what's the big deal. Boom, roasted. (Disclaimer: I was also 17 at the time, don't go calling Chris Hansen)

Hey man, have you been watching Jersey Shore? That shit is straight up wacky! - George B, Dallas TX

Hells yeah I've been watching that shit, but I can't believe they wouldn't show Snookie getting the business. I figured a man with your kind of connections could have helped us out in that department, but oh well. Say I got a question for you Georgie, shouldn't you be rolling around in bumper cars or pounding out beers with those sexy daughters of yours? Jusk asking, you are retired after all...


I've given up on being trying to make my fit-in- your-hand-sized breasts to look large, does this put me at a disadvantage when trying to meet men? - Christine P, Sconsin

Uhh Chrissy, did you ready any of my Katy Perry post? There's 2 ways I can go with this. The concise answer is a resounding DUH, but don't fret, you and your little baby boobies aren't totally screwed. Lucky for you boobs are like pizza, how bad could they possibly be? What you lack for in cup size can almost be made up for by public appearances. All you really need to do is wear them well; show the world "hey I like my small boobs, in fact I like them sooo much that I'm going to show them to everyone in the room". Try that a few times every weekend until you have developed either a confidence in your itty bitty titties, or until the increased amount of fresh air on your chest has been getting brings in some boyfriend material.

In your case Christine, I wouldn't worry. As Jesse McCartney would say "that thing you got behind you is amazing" and the amount of booty-jackin I see you do to today's hip-hop music should take care of your problem.

Aside from the obvious, what's the hottest profession a lady can have? - Chrissy P, Sconsin

Well my first inclination is to say stripper but I won't. To be completely honest, in my opinion the hottest job a woman can have these days is none at all. My personal favorite job for women to have is the mommy profession. I've always thought there was something sexy about a woman who put her promising career (lawyer, nurse, hooker, etc.) on hold to be a mother. Plus, 28+ women always look good when they're rolling around the suburbs in a sleek SUV dropping the kiddies off at school. However as of right now the job where I see the sexiest women is in the field of pissed off wives of really good, really dumb pro golfers. Good job, nicer bod. Get some

Hypothetical question of course, but if one was to break their bed support system at 5:30am after returning from a night of blind drunkeness and build up sexual frustration, would you think they broke it, let's say, "playing with themselves" , or is it that it randomly fell apart due to 6 months of normal wear and tear? Educate me, oh wise one - Ed, Chicago IL

Well Ballgame, if I were to find myself in this particular predicament (and you and I both know this has never happened to me) instead of assuming that something of masturbatory nature was going on, I would first look at the bed itself. Since its probably from IKEA I'm just going to have to claim shotty craftsmanship and immediately point a finger of blame at the Sweeds. Remember people, buy American, if you don't you're letting the terrorists win.

Wanna go out tonight? - Mark S, Chicago IL

No, faggot.