Ok, I don't actually hate Christmas, in fact I really like Christmas. What I really hate is the incessant hassle involved with the season, and this is never more evident than in a trip to the airport during the holidays (by holidays I mean Xmas, not the Hebrew festival of lights because, seriously nobody is packing the airports for Hanukkah). I'm not a grinch by any means, however I would gladly give up Christmas for the opportunity to skip the need for the airport death trap. In fact I'm pretty sure I would die a happy man if I never had to set foot in the hell-hole known as O'Hare International Airport ever again. Now I'm not 100% certain but I'm pretty sure that everyone who works there gets a memo at the start of the day that reads "ATTN: If you come across a traveler named Joe Caminiti, fuck this guy's day up". When I say that I'm not 100% certain, what I really mean is that I'm like 96% certain so take that for what its worth. Every time something inevitably goes wrong only adds more and more to my suspicion that I am secretly being videotaped from a distance for a gag-game show most likely titled "Lets see how much longer he can take this shit". By now I figure I'm due for confetti and streamers to fall from the ceiling and be presented with an over-sized check for unknowingly winning United Airlines's version of MTV's "Boiling Points".
Now I'm not so naive as to think that I'm the only one with poor luck while trying to fly places, but to be completely honest the plight and hardships of other people simply is no concern of mine. Like I have stated before, you're probably not my real friend, and if you think you are then I probably talk about you behind your back so tell it to someone else sugartits.
Now I'm not talking just about being delayed at the gate, because that's been going on since that gangly bearded fig-eating camel fucker decided he wanted ruin the efficiency of air travel way back in 2001. I've accepted the fact that I'll probably be delayed somewhere (if not everywhere) along the way, so my complaints are focused elsewhere. First of all, when did the airports begin hiring only huge lesbians? I have no problem with lesbians, in fact I think there's a lot we probably have in common, but these broads are broad in every sense of the word. I'm not just talking about the kind of women with buzz cuts and flannel lined Levi's, because the ones that work at the airport could play for the fucking Bears. If I'm going to be stuck here all day and probably half the night, at least present me with something that I can oogle at and objectify silently in my mind. Honestly is that too much to ask? For all of you who are saying "Yes Joe, the women working at the airport aren't there for your viewing pleasure" I'm just going to have to respectfully disagree. Ok, I'll admit that wasn't a very legitimate complaint, but an valid observation none the less. My real bone to pick is with the obscene lack of control displayed by today's parents. I swear to God I must have some kind of cosmic force that acts as a magnet to snot-nosed kids. Now I know you all probably think that all of this is wisdom that only decades of worldly experience can impart on an individual, but I assure you I am only 23. That being said, it wasn't so long ago that I cant remember what happened when I got out of line, in fact I remember it quite quite clearly. When I was acting like a little piece of shit my dad eradicated the problem by yelling at me really loud and smacking me in the fucking head. You wanna know what happened next? I acted like a good little boy and stopped whatever nuisance I was creating because I was terrified that I was going to get yelled at and/or smacked again. Problem fucking solved. This wasn't invented by my dad (perfected maybe, but definitely not invented by him) in fact its a time tested method used by parents for thousands of years. What gets me mad is the fact that the parents of today's youth have become total pussies. Everyone is afraid to discipline their children these days for fear that they may "damage the emotions and psyche of the poor child". I was constantly disciplined by my parents and I never once showed up in an advertisement for DCFS so these people have no excuse. Something in the soy milk and the gluten free granola bars these people eat must have made everyone retarded. They sit back and let their children unleash absolute chaos on every plane I have ever been on. Take for instance my flight on Wednesday, I'm sitting next to a child, 3 years old at the youngest, and I repeat youngest, who is screaming at the top of his lungs for some unknown reason. He was screaming so loud you would've thought someone was cutting his fingers off with a butter knife. Not exactly an ideal situation for me and the 100 other passengers on a cramped jet at 3:30 AM on Christmas Eve. Not only was he completely ignored by his parents for the duration of the 90 minute flight, but his dickhead father smelled like he had used a stick of salami as a loofa during his last shower, which I can only assume was weeks ago. This kid is screaming bloody murder, and when I turn around to give his parents the "hey can you shut your fucking kid up" look, what do I see? Mr. and Mrs. Douche sitting completely stone faced and utterly unfazed by their wild banshee son. Has the whole world gone mad? Seriously, am I wrong?
and that was just one flight I was on this Christmas season...
Part II to come next
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