"Hell is overflowing, and Satan is sending his dead to us. Why? Because, you have sex out of wedlock, you kill unborn children, you have man on man relations, same sex marriage. How do you think your God will judge you? Well friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth."
Ok little babies, it's time to put the joking aside for a day and spend some time putting focusing on some of the serious issues facing our world today. This blog post will center on that in my opinion deserves our attention, and if this continues to be ignored we may end up covered in a whole heap of shit. No, I'm not talking about how 30 million Americans don't have healthcare, nor am I spending one seconding blogging about the escalating nuclear situation in Korea and Iran, I'm here to draw your attention to something much more catastrophic. Yeah, you guessed it, I'm talking about a zombie attack.
Now, using the last few years as evidence, its clear that Hollywood would like you to believe that vampires are not only here to stay, but they are a force to be reckoned with. Let's be honest, I took my 11 year old cousin to see New Moon and that proved without a shadow of a doubt that vampires are in fact, all gay. Vampires, like global warming, is most likely just another liberal conspiracy to divert our attention from real threats at hand, the most overlooked of those threats being a zombie attack. Zombies are cut from a different cloth; they don't fall in love with teenage girls and glitter in the sun, they find you and rip your fucking throat out. Guess what's up now, you're a zombie too. You're probably saying to yourself "I have nothing to worry about, zombies aren't even real" I assure you its these people who will be the first to fall victim to the savage undead and have their faces ripped off of their skulls without remorse. Well that wouldn't have been the case if you had just listened to me. As Americans we are looked to by the rest of the world to act boldly and with conviction. Time and time again the decision makers in America have proved that when our security and freedom are threatened we crush the previously aforementioned threat with a swift boot heel to the skull. With the precedence that the USA has set in over 230 years of ass-kicking we essentially have assumed the responsibility to eliminate this threat and once again save the world. A plan of action needs to be put in place, and not sometime in the near future, but today.
We have seen it in movies, books, television, and stellar music videos; it starts with a small amount of the population becoming infected and soon enough that number grows exponentially as the zombie infection goes viral. Civilization as we know it is under assault from the undead, we the survivors are disbanded as the continuation of human society is in imminent danger. In layman's terms, we are completely fucked. However, the world does have a fighting chance, because as I clearly pointed out earlier, the US would be the government and military at the spearhead of our defense against the zombie apocalypse. We are a cultural of winners; we have the world's strongest military, embarrass every other nation in the Olympics, and will even take you to the woodshed in a 4th of July hot dog eating contest. Suck it Japan. If anyone is going to lead the fight to take back our world, its us.
That being said, all great winners like ourselves know that battles, whatever the scale, are won in preparation. Victory in the future depends on the plans and protocols set in motion today. The idea of spending valuable resources and time on something as outrageous as zombie attack prevention may sound ridiculous to some. Even though the odds of such an attack may seem very minuscule, it in no way means that the threat should be ignored, because even though it has only a small chance of occurring a zombie attack would prove catastrophic if the world was not adequately prepared. Nobody thought that Seinfeld would end production after 9 hugely popular seasons, and certainly nobody could have anticipated Paula Abul would announce that she was leaving American Idol, but as shocking as it was at the moment, it happened. Expect the unexpected. George W. Bush once eloquently said, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice......you can't fool me twice". Barry Obama probably lucked out in this one, because a leader with the wherewithal and foresight like George W. Bush had can only lead me to assume that at least a primitive plan for fighting the zombies had been drawn out (probably on a napkin or a liquor store receipt). Here's probably how it should go...
Every household in America should have a shotgun. Since zombies are immune to most forms of bodily harm, a plethora of firearms will be an absolute necessity. Blasting hole in the heads of zombies has been proven that the quickest and most effective way to keep from joining the undead.
Have an illustrated and laminated card to show what to do in the event of an attack. This will be akin to the cards you find on airplanes that show what to do in the even of a water landing and such. This way everyone will know the necessary procedures, like how to quickly secure your home or where the will be safe zones set up in your local area when your domicile is compromised. The pictures will make it moron-proof, and the lamination will keep it from getting ruined when you inevitably get infected blood and brain matter all over it while blowing holes in the heads of the undead.
Assemble a team of reliable commandos in your neighborhoods. In my opinion every municipality needs their own version of the A-Team. It doesn't have to be full of police officers or ex-Navy SEALs, just some really enthusiastic dudes who absolutely will not allow our world to be taken over by a bunch of fucking zombies. I'm calling all you washed up athletes, over zealous hockey dads, and crazed rednecks, because in the shock and inevitable panic of the situation we will find your skills and vigor to be invaluable. Since I am the one devising this plan and ultimately the savior of humanity as we know it I get first dibs on my team. I'm picking Mark Wahlberg, Toby Keith, John Cena, Brad from RW/RR Challenge, Greg Olsen, and myself. Behind our strength I can assure the safety of Cook County, but not everywhere.
Now its on you, no longer can you claim ignorance to this issue that may just be then end of civilized society as we know it. Call your congressman and demand that he do something to protect their constituency from the threat of doom. Please, I implore you, not for my sake but for ours
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