As I vowed last month, I got a new computer and now I am more than prepared to drop shit-tons of knowledge on you, bloggy style. I have accumulated a lot of blog-able ideas, so I was having a tough time deciding on where I should begin my comeback/assault on the reading public. I've thought about doing this post for a while, but something happened last week that made me decide once and for all to go ahead and do it.
I have a close personal friend that is indeed very smart, but he constantly either uses the wrong grammatical interpretation of a word, or just completely misses the bus with the definition. He's the king of the malapropism, and usually when he, or anyone else for that matter blatantly misuses a word I
This has been something that has angered me since I actually learned the correct usage of the term "ironic". I was 14 and a freshman in High School. I remember after focusing on the concept of literary irony for weeks in class I found myself thinking "That Alanis Morissette lady is a real piece of shit". Why? Besides the fact that I'd rather light myself on fire than listen to her music? Her song "Ironic" has undoubtedly made the people dumber for having heard it, considering that nothing about it is ironic. Let's start with a lesson.
i·ro·ny [ahy-ruh-nee]
rə
–noun,
1. The use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite of its literal meaning
2. Literature
Wikipedia goes on to further describe the literary device of irony as "the disparity between expression and intention or result", and a tool often used to subtly highlight a lesson in human folly or vanity. Irony is not used to describe unfortunate circumstances or suddenly surprising disappointments.
Come one, come all, as I take you all on a little journey through the lyrics of the asininely named "Ironic" by Alanis, with the personal flare of SBB.
An old man turned 98, won the lottery, died the next day
Polar opposite of irony. The guy was 98, he's should have died 20 years ago. If he wasn't, then the genius songwriter shouldn't have made him 98 years old. What this really asks is what the fuck this doing playing the lottery? Sounds like a pretty big hassle for someone of that age. He should probably be a little more focused on remembering his the names of his children and not shitting in his pants.
Its a black fly in your chardonay
First of all, gross. Secondly, let me just say that I understand what she's trying to do here by highlighting the obvious contrast between the black fly and the white wine, but guess what Alanis, pointing out that things look opposite isn't ironic either. Plus, who drinks fly wine anyway?
Its a death row pardon two minutes too late
This isn't ironic, this is merely poor timing. You know what would make this scenario ironic? If you gave the convict a death row pardon, only to have him come back after his release and murder your family.
Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?
Nope
Its like ray-e-ain, on your wedding day.
Alanis, there's literally nothing ironic about the weather. It rained, get over it. Were you one of those incredibly pretentious women that plans her wedding for a seaside cliff overlooking the ocean? Whatever happened to a church, you public school heathen? I really don't even know why you're even dwelling on this, half of marriages on this continent end in divorce anyway.
Its a free ride when you already paid
Once again, something unexpected and unfortunate doesn't make it ironic, and like all those before it, this one falls short as well. I'll spare you the economics lesson about the concept of a sunk cost, because the Wikipedia machine has informed me you didn't go to college. Getting a free ride when you have already paid is only ironic when the circumstances of that free ride end up costing you more in the end. Kinda like when you reluctantly get into the rig of a long-haul trucker while hitchhiking down a lonesome highway, only to have him tell you "You got a purrrdy mouth derre" just before he forces you to fellate him behind the wheel (insert sad face emoticon here!). Nobody wants to blow a trucker, that's why they invented glory holes.
Its the good advice that you just didn't take
Nothing but stubborn, thick headed poor judgment
Mr. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly, he packed his soo-uut case and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down he though
"Well isn't this nice?"
So wait, he's afraid of flying and somehow somebody convinced him that it was ok to finally hop on a plane, and the plane happens to crash? Sounds like the opposite of irony to me. What would make this much more ironic would be if his family sat him down to politely discuss the relative safety of air travel, and after his refusal, he takes his car down the highway and subsequently is smashed by a falling plane. "Isn't this nice?". Well assuming that dying in a plane crash when you have spent your whole life avoiding airplanes isn't actually nice, I can deduce that Alanis meant to convey sarcasm. However sarcasm may be akin to irony, they are not one in the same. Close but no cigar. But let's dig a little deeper into this one. I bet this guy who refuses to fly is actually just one of the weird ass dads that drives a wood-paneled station wagon and makes his whole family take road trip vacations to places like the Grand Canyon, while making awkwardly perverted jokes to the hag waitresses at the roadside diners. Fuck this guy, he's an asshole. I'm glad he's dead.
Its a traffic jam when you're already late
Still not ironic toots. In all likelihood you're stuck in said traffic jam because you were late. Guess what? You're going to be even more late. Traffic jams are a hassle, that's why we try to schedule our shit around them. More importantly, you need to stop being late for shit, you're an adult for Christ's sake.
A no smoking sign on you're cigarette break
The only way this is ironic is if you work for Big Tobacco. If not, quit your bellyachin', its the fucking law. So please stand 25 feet from the exit.
Its like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
What the fuck does this even mean? I don't see how having 10,000 spoons when your food calls for a different utensil would be any more ironic than having 1 spoon (which I assure you it is not). Look on the bright side, you've hit the spoon jackpot. Need a spoon? Alanis has one for ya. Why don't you go asking around and see if someone who needs a spoon accidentally packed a fork in their lunch. Seems like a fair, pragmatic, and totally un-ironic trade.
Its like meeting the man of you're dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife
Nope. nice try though. What would make this fall into the irony category would be meeting the man of your dreams, meeting his beautiful wife, and then in a sexual epiphany, realize that you've gone lez for the wife. C'mon, you said she was beautiful, give it a whirl, its the kind of thing that new age love stories and hardcore porn is made of!
Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?
Nope, not a single time in the 3:30 song. But that's just because I went to High School.
I don't think that I am the only person to ever highlight the fact that the most ironic part about this song is that it made the songwriter famous and launched her career in which she would make millions, and yet nothing about it is ironic. Its hard not to see all the unintentional irony in that. Did I just do an entire post about my disdain for the misuse of a popular literary device? Pretty high brow for a guy who spends his day talking about feces, youtub-ing videos of monkeys jerking off, and making completely unsubtle innuendos about my dick (See: Blake Lively & Leighton Meester picture/screenshot of my reoccurring wet dreams)
a. Technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.
b. (esp. in contemporary writing) A manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.
Wikipedia goes on to further describe the literary device of irony as "the disparity between expression and intention or result", and a tool often used to subtly highlight a lesson in human folly or vanity. Irony is not used to describe unfortunate circumstances or suddenly surprising disappointments.
Come one, come all, as I take you all on a little journey through the lyrics of the asininely named "Ironic" by Alanis, with the personal flare of SBB.
An old man turned 98, won the lottery, died the next day
Polar opposite of irony. The guy was 98, he's should have died 20 years ago. If he wasn't, then the genius songwriter shouldn't have made him 98 years old. What this really asks is what the fuck this doing playing the lottery? Sounds like a pretty big hassle for someone of that age. He should probably be a little more focused on remembering his the names of his children and not shitting in his pants.
Its a black fly in your chardonay
First of all, gross. Secondly, let me just say that I understand what she's trying to do here by highlighting the obvious contrast between the black fly and the white wine, but guess what Alanis, pointing out that things look opposite isn't ironic either. Plus, who drinks fly wine anyway?
Its a death row pardon two minutes too late
This isn't ironic, this is merely poor timing. You know what would make this scenario ironic? If you gave the convict a death row pardon, only to have him come back after his release and murder your family.
Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?
Nope
Its like ray-e-ain, on your wedding day.
Alanis, there's literally nothing ironic about the weather. It rained, get over it. Were you one of those incredibly pretentious women that plans her wedding for a seaside cliff overlooking the ocean? Whatever happened to a church, you public school heathen? I really don't even know why you're even dwelling on this, half of marriages on this continent end in divorce anyway.
Its a free ride when you already paid
Once again, something unexpected and unfortunate doesn't make it ironic, and like all those before it, this one falls short as well. I'll spare you the economics lesson about the concept of a sunk cost, because the Wikipedia machine has informed me you didn't go to college. Getting a free ride when you have already paid is only ironic when the circumstances of that free ride end up costing you more in the end. Kinda like when you reluctantly get into the rig of a long-haul trucker while hitchhiking down a lonesome highway, only to have him tell you "You got a purrrdy mouth derre" just before he forces you to fellate him behind the wheel (insert sad face emoticon here!). Nobody wants to blow a trucker, that's why they invented glory holes.
Its the good advice that you just didn't take
Nothing but stubborn, thick headed poor judgment
Mr. Play-It-Safe was afraid to fly, he packed his soo-uut case and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight, and as the plane crashed down he though
"Well isn't this nice?"
So wait, he's afraid of flying and somehow somebody convinced him that it was ok to finally hop on a plane, and the plane happens to crash? Sounds like the opposite of irony to me. What would make this much more ironic would be if his family sat him down to politely discuss the relative safety of air travel, and after his refusal, he takes his car down the highway and subsequently is smashed by a falling plane. "Isn't this nice?". Well assuming that dying in a plane crash when you have spent your whole life avoiding airplanes isn't actually nice, I can deduce that Alanis meant to convey sarcasm. However sarcasm may be akin to irony, they are not one in the same. Close but no cigar. But let's dig a little deeper into this one. I bet this guy who refuses to fly is actually just one of the weird ass dads that drives a wood-paneled station wagon and makes his whole family take road trip vacations to places like the Grand Canyon, while making awkwardly perverted jokes to the hag waitresses at the roadside diners. Fuck this guy, he's an asshole. I'm glad he's dead.
Its a traffic jam when you're already late
Still not ironic toots. In all likelihood you're stuck in said traffic jam because you were late. Guess what? You're going to be even more late. Traffic jams are a hassle, that's why we try to schedule our shit around them. More importantly, you need to stop being late for shit, you're an adult for Christ's sake.
A no smoking sign on you're cigarette break
The only way this is ironic is if you work for Big Tobacco. If not, quit your bellyachin', its the fucking law. So please stand 25 feet from the exit.
Its like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
What the fuck does this even mean? I don't see how having 10,000 spoons when your food calls for a different utensil would be any more ironic than having 1 spoon (which I assure you it is not). Look on the bright side, you've hit the spoon jackpot. Need a spoon? Alanis has one for ya. Why don't you go asking around and see if someone who needs a spoon accidentally packed a fork in their lunch. Seems like a fair, pragmatic, and totally un-ironic trade.
Its like meeting the man of you're dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife
Nope. nice try though. What would make this fall into the irony category would be meeting the man of your dreams, meeting his beautiful wife, and then in a sexual epiphany, realize that you've gone lez for the wife. C'mon, you said she was beautiful, give it a whirl, its the kind of thing that new age love stories and hardcore porn is made of!
Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?
Nope, not a single time in the 3:30 song. But that's just because I went to High School.
I don't think that I am the only person to ever highlight the fact that the most ironic part about this song is that it made the songwriter famous and launched her career in which she would make millions, and yet nothing about it is ironic. Its hard not to see all the unintentional irony in that. Did I just do an entire post about my disdain for the misuse of a popular literary device? Pretty high brow for a guy who spends his day talking about feces, youtub-ing videos of monkeys jerking off, and making completely unsubtle innuendos about my dick (See: Blake Lively & Leighton Meester picture/screenshot of my reoccurring wet dreams)
and my personal favorite...
I'm back bitches
SBB
Someone must have missed school the day they explained situational irony
ReplyDeleteSituational irony isn't in fact isn't irony at all, butsimilarly used in the same fashion to highlight follies of the perpetrator
ReplyDelete