"One morning I woke up and found my favorite pigeon, Julius, had died I was devastated and was gonna use his crate as my stickball bat to honor him. I left the crate on my stoop and went in to get something and I returned to see the sanitation man put the crate into the crusher. I rushed him and caught him flush on the temple with a titanic right hand he was out cold, convulsing on the floor like a infantile retard." - Mike Tyson
So I was forced to bare witness to something last night that I will never forget for the rest of my life. There will be memories in my life that when looking back on them in my dying moments will surely bring me joy, like the Chicago Bulls repeat of the Threepeat and the first time my wiener was touched by something that wasn't attached to the end of my own arm. Yesterday's experience wasn't one of those moments, but incredibly unforgettable none the less. Since I don't feel as if I should have to bear the weight of this knowledge all by myself, so allow me to paint a picture...
I'm sitting at a nice local Irish restaurant in my neighborhood called McDonald's enjoying my dinner when I hear a ruckus in the women's bathroom. Now I think I speak for males when I say that the entire concept of a women's bathroom leaves us baffled. We as a species know almost nothing about what goes behind these doors, and it has led to many unanswered questions. What does it look like? Why are there always so many girls in there at once? Why can't they ever go in by themselves? Do they have a DJ in there? For the longest time I have been convinced there must be some excessive accoutrement in those potty closets because I knew that there was no way girls pooped. Each girl had their own poop fairy (the indefinite bastard child of imaginary fairy family) that would come to them in their sleep and flutter away into the night sky with their lower intestinal distress. However, That notion was tossed out the window and fell perilously to its death last night at McDonald's.
I'm sitting in a booth when I first heard the ruckus; soon two women come out of bathroom together and one says to the other, and I kid you not, "Oh my God, I'm just so disgusted in myself, I just want to go home". Remember, I'm sitting there attempting to eat my dinner when this comes tearing apart my eardrums, suddenly I don't feel so hungry anymore. For years I had a long standing belief that girls in fact did not poop, and now that comfort was just put in serious jeopardy. I try to take a deep breath and expunge what I had just heard, but I have a good idea that the horrendous image burned into my mind is one that isn't going away anytime soon. Hoping that my ears had deceived me I try to focus my attention back to my inevitably less appetizing meal in front of me, but once again I hear commotion coming from bathroom. Seriously, is there a fucking rave going on in there? Maybe there's a moon bounce in there and all the neighborhood kids are having a ball just hopping around all night and having a blast; what do I know? I see a guy standing near my booth who has been waiting for his girlfriend to come out of the bathroom, and this is where all my worst fears are confirmed. She opens the door and then abruptly pauses, and while staring at her boyfriend she exhales a sigh of what clearly looks to be relief, wipes a bead of sweat from her brow, and gives her boyfriend two thumbs up. I am overcome with a feeling of both shock and awe because I can read the look on her face as if it was a Dr. Seuss book; she just finished giving birth to a massive dump. Have ye no decency woman? Her mission: accomplished. My fantasy: shattered. Now for the first time in my life I have been rendered utterly speechless. Both horrified and dejected by what i have just witnessed, I decide that its time that I go home.
Its never a good day in a man's life when they are forced to come to terms with the fact that what they have believed for so long has actually proven to be untrue. What's even worse is when you have to face the fact that you were lying to yourself; deep down I guess I always thought that idea that females didn't poop was a little bit far fetched, but it was what I wanted to believe regardless. Santa isn't real, and girls poop, and not only do they poop, but they can take gargantuan scale-tipping shits.
So its almost time for the Olympic Games, a magical time every 4 years where all the world's nations come together to celebrate the purity of athletic competition and receive a proverbial prison style raping at the hands of the Americans. I love the Olympics for that very reason, its a 2 week reminder to the rest of the world that even though you may detest everything about us, you simply cannot beat us at anything (Unless of course the category is sucking, in which case the 3 countries receiving medals will be Iraq, Iran, and North Korea). I also love the Olympics because it provides me with another great opportunity to cheer for my favorite team ever, that's right, the US of A. Since our neighbors to the North are hosting this year's games, I can't help but be reminded of the scene in "10 Things I Hate About You" when all the cool drunk kids show up like a fucking freight train to Bogey Lowenstein's future MBAs party and immediately take over like they own the place. We're going to roll up to the Canadian border, probably about 12 beers deep, and without invitation, let everyone in Vancouver know that the Americans came here to bring the fucking ruckus. Let it be known, these guys came here for the jewlery.
Part of me wishes that instead of standard uniforms countries would wear uniforms that truly represent their nations with authenticity. For instance, We would win all of our gold medals in either jorts and tank-tops, or in some top of the line Nike gear inevitably sewn together by the nimble fingers of our Olympic opponent's children. The Germans could all dress like the Von Trapp family from The Sound of Music, and the Haitians can wear whatever old clothes my Mom dropped off at at the used clothing drive at our local church last year. What? Poor taste? It was only a matter of time until I made a Haiti joke; I don't understand what all the hoopla is about, I understand there was an earthquake but these Haitians are going nuts as if they finally found out about the breakup of The Fugees.
All this thought of international athletic slaughter at the hands of the Americans has tossed kerosene on the fires of my competitive spirit, so needless to say, I want to play a little game. The idea for this game was partly inspired by TMZ's "Jew/Not a Jew" game where celebrities are asked to identify other celebrities as either Jewish or not Jewish (the entertainment industry is a little lopsided on the Jewish side, so that one is kind a easy). Also in the inspirational seedling that became this blog post was a little game called "Funny/Not Funny" from the very educational childrens program on Wonder Showzen. Essentially it shows various clips of natural disasters or animals doing silly tricks and children have to collectively decide if the scene is indeed funny or not funny. The game I have been playing with much input from my friends is a little game I would Like to call "Gay/Not Gay" where I will list a person of fame who's sexuality has often been questioned and I will decide if that person is in fact gay or not. Your questions were heard, and I have answered. Remember kiddies, my word is final.
Ricky Martin: Gay/Not Gay?
GAY. Ricky Martin is undeniably gay, as if his lycra shirts and leather pants fooled me, he was gay back when he was in Menudo, way before he was livin' la vida homo. It doesn't help Mr. Martin's cause that he is Peurto Rican, becasue Latin suave only really makes you more gay (except Enrique Iglesias, that man is straight as an arrow). She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain? Yeah frolicking in the rain sounds exactly like something a gay man would do with his platonic female friend, that and talk about bulges. She Bangs? Who? Certainly not you Ricky. Let's be honest, William Hung got more female ass with this one.
Anderson Cooper: Gay/Not Gay?
NOT GAY. Lots of rumors have circled around Anderson Cooper regarding his sexuality, and his refusal to speak about his personal life only adds to the suspicions. However, he is a world recognized journalist and in order to maintain a level of professionalism and integrity in his work (and keep his job at CNN) he needs to remain a figure of neutrality. The problem is Silver Fox falls victim to a stereotype that a lot of middle aged men fall into, the thin-single-neat category from Seinfeld, where people just assume you are gay because you're unmarried and you aren't a total slob. I'd be willing to bet Coop could slay some women back in his college days at Yale. Which reminds me, maybe he was a part of that whole Yale thing. "What do you mean Yale thing?", " Well for one I think he was a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine" - Patrick Bateman, American Psycho
Neil Patrick Harris: Gay/Not Gay?
NOT GAY. I know what you're saying "SBB, get with the times, NPH came out of the closet in 2006". Thanks numbnuts, I'm well aware of that. I can't exactly give you a reason as to why he would tell the entertainment world that he is gay when he so clearly is not. I think NPH is living in a reverse closet where he's pretending to be gay, and probably banging hot chicks in said closet. I can see right through this ruse, his true self comes out in the amazing portrayal of the dapper and pussy-crazy and Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, and as himself in the Harold and Kumar documentaries. In those movies he plays himself, a really straight dude. If he does in fact have sex with other men then its purely out of dominance. Since NPH owns every situation he finds himself in, he probably walks into a room and immediately rapes the biggest and strongest man he can find like its his first day in prison. Two words; Fur Burgers.
Jennifer Aniston: Gay/Not Gay?
GAY. I didn't want to say it but I felt that I had to. Don't get me wrong, I would give my right foot for one night with her, in fact I'm pretty sure I could spend the rest of my time on this earth simply rubbing her butt cheeks, but until that happens I'm going to stand by my conviction that she is lesbian. Since she got the business from Brad Pitt all I ever hear about her is how she got her beautiful ass dumped by some new celebrity lover. She gets showered with affection by tabloids and television, all recycling the same headlines, "Poor Jen, when will she finally find the right man?". It seems to me that the truth is dangling right in front of our faces and everyone is to blind to see it; Jennifer Aniston is a lesbian. Getting divorced for a woman who is clearly more sexually expressive, terrible track record with men, and the fact that she has never let me put her underwear in my mouth really only spells one thing, she's secretly into chicks. Trust me, I played it cool knowing far too well that it was only a matter of time until she came to me, but its looking like the jig is up. Sorry Jen, you're a lesbian.
Carson Daly: Gay/Not Gay?
GAY. I admit, this one is kinda weird, but if Carson Daly isn't gay then he is definitely asexual. By asexual I mean he probably just has a soft patch of bare flesh in his crotch, Kinda like a boring Ken doll. This in all likelihood made the high school gym class shower experience pretty difficult for Carson, but I'll bet he got through just fine by waiting for all the other guys to leave the locker room and huffing their jock straps. I distinctly remember being 12 years old watching TRL and thinking, "wow, Carson Daly wears a ring on his thumb and paints his fingernails black, that's fucking gay", but that thought was quickly brushed aside by a boner producing Britney Spears video. Looking back on it, that must have been his trick, bring sexy guests on my show and show videos that are going to make junior high kids want to masturbate so they will quickly forget that I'm a total flame. If we need any hard evidence just use this; he was together with Tara Reid in her sexy/obnoxiously drunk and slutty period. Any man with half a sack would be pounding that thing flat, and with the train wreck that was Tara Reid's life at the time she would've too hammered to remember her birth control and would've inevitably made a baby. Fast forward a few years later to today, Tara Reid is probably dead and Carson Daly is gargling the balls on interns on "Last Call".
Rosie O'Donnell: Gay/Not Gay?
MAYBE? To be honest this one is a little puzzling, I can't quite tell if this dude is gay or not. I searched his name on google images and all it shows me is pictures of this fat guy standing with lesbian women. I have no beef with that, lesbians are pretty cool in my book due to the fact that we share a common bond, that being squeezing on a pair of breasticles. I don't know what to think about this guy, I see him all over hanging out women which makes me think he must be getting some, but he wears women's pant suits like Hillary Clinton, and I recently caught a little bit of his movie about an all gay cruise he sponsored. Plus he calls himself Rosie, doesn't that strike anyone as odd? I just don't know what to say, I need some help on this one.
So for a while I have given though to posting something on the personal side, after all part of the original intention of SBB was to give people a better idea of what goes through my head on a given day. That being said, I'm going to dive head first into an topic that may seem subversive to many, but when you look at it from a different angle it not only loses its poor stigma but happens to look pretty damn practical. If you haven't guessed it already, I'm talking about Rhinotillexomania, or what is more commonly know to those of us who don't speak Nerd, the act of picking your nose. Like most people you probably are getting grossed out at the idea of someone picking boogers out of their head, due mostly to the fact that it is looked at as being a socially unacceptable in almost every culture across the globe. In fact picking your nose is looked at with such taboo that when someone catches you in the act they smother you with disgust and shame as if you were the product on an unwanted pregnancy. To guilt-trip someone for picking their nose is commonplace, yet there have been scientific studies done that show that over 91% of people admit to picking their nose every day, at an average of at least 4 times each day. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure this one out; if you're one of the 9% of people who don't pick your nose you are in fact the weird one. This just sounds egregiously self-righteous to me. I'm going to go ahead and say it, if you purposely point out the fact that someone is picking their nose then you are simply 1.) a sour hater and 2.) a supreme doucher to boot.
Since it has been established by our interweb authority Wikipedia, that picking your nose isn't only normal but also incredibly awesome, I'm going to give you some very clear and obvious reasons for why we all should have no qualms about picking our noses (and should probably do it more often). As absurd as you may think this next explanation is going to be, hold onto your panties because you'll going to be hard pressed to find a way to argue it because I'm about to buttfuck you with both religion and science.
A close confidant who will remain under the alias Sven Doogan and I agree that after tens of thousands of years evolution has brought the human race to the point where our fingers fit our nostrils like the final 2 pieces of a Where's Waldo puzzle. Species evolve so that they are better suited for their environments, and if they are unable to evolve they cease to exist and become extinct. Over the tens of thousands of years that humans have appeared on this earth, as a species we have genetically transmutated until our fingers have become the reciprocated shape of the inside of our noses. Our fingers and nostrils fit together perfectly for the purpose of picking our noses. It doesn't take Stephen Hawking to see what I'm trying to get at here: if we are unable to pick our noses we will ultimately become extinct. That's right, if you don't pick your nose you will in fact die.
My 18 years of Catholic education taught me that I along with most of the human race was created in what is referred to in Latin as Imago Dei, or in the Image of God. Most of us are created in Imago Dei in so that qualities of God can be manifested in humanity. (I say most of the human race because unfortunately I have had the experience of venturing into a Wal-Mart in Central North Carolina, which if anything, served as sufficient evidence that somewhere down the life southern hillfolk have cross-bred with apes and therefore are no longer considered human beings. Different blog for a different day) Knowing that much, and that I was created exactly the way in which God intended, its not to hard to see why picking my nose is in some way divine. God created man in his image so that we may be more like him in every way. That means my fingers are like God's fingers, perfectly shaped with a little sharp nail at the end for my picking and digging ease. I can only come to one conclusion; God picks his nose and he wants us to do it too.
I know what you're probably thinking, "That really doesn't make any sense", and you,in fact, are wrong. It doesn't take a genius to understand the basic ideas behind evolution, which is either evolve or perish; pick your nose with your perfectly shaped fingers or become extinct. Not completely sold on the whole "science" thing? Fine, because I made it pretty clear that God not only picks his nose, but he wants you to do so as well. I know, I know, not everyone went to Catholic school (poor people) and that's OK but the evidence is right in front of you. (It actually isn't OK because if you went to public school you're a heathen, and if you aren't Catholic then your religion is all lies anyway. Either way you're going to die a sinner's death and burn for eternity so smell ya later)
Whatever you decide to think about the idea of nose picking, just remember this: idle hands are the Devil's playground and sometimes it just so happens that the only place to put you finger is in your nose. So don't feel bad about doing a little gold digging, go for it, you deserve it. Pick all day, and when you're done wipe that booger on the inside of the passenger window of your friends car, and if they try to give you shit , send them my URL.
Yes, that is Hillary Clinton with half of a finger in her head
So if you can recall back in December I spent a whole post describing in detail my obsession with Katy Perry, and most notably her beautiful sweater puppies. You don't have to agree with me because its a fact, even Stevie Wonder could see that Katy Perry's hangers can stop time right in its tracks. However it has come to my attention that my top-heavy barbie doll just got engaged; apparently husband-to-be Russell Brand knew he had fallen into the opportunity of a lifetime and decided to cash in on his mammary jackpot. Wait a tic, where does this Brit get off? If I can recall correctly, every dork from across the pond lost first dibs on American girls after the War of Independence. Whatever, what's done is done. Well played Sir, well played. You may be asking yourself, "Poor Joe, he must be heartbroken, what's he going to do now?". Oh don't you fret my little babies, like always, SBB has a plan; I'm going to take a little page out of Russell's book. You probably remember him best as Aldous Snow, the goofy English rock star/girlfriend thief in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. He is able to woo sexy ass Kristen Bell and get her to do naked stuff behind her devoted boyfriend's back. This one might sting a little Mr. Brand, but I'm going to have to dive into your own signature bag of tricks. You'd better watch your back Russy because you never know when I might pop up, ready to unleash some vicious charm on girlfriend and her bags of fun. You may provide her with the intrigue of a foreign man, but my suburban white boy game is undeniably irresistible, not to mention I shave more than once a month. Sorry Russy but your beard and chronically unwashed hair doesn't make you "edgy" or let you look "intellectual", no not in the least. Want the long and short of it? You are "lazy" and "fucking dirty", and eventually that cheeky accent of yours is bound to get annoying. When you go to sleep at night you'd better make sure you grip that girl and her chesticles tight because I'm making it known right now that I will not rest until those boobies are in my mouth. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm ferocious. I want your heart. I'm going to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!
Sorry I got a little carried away there, that was just the Mike Tyson in me; the tiger got out of the cage on that one. Just let it be known that I do not value the sanctity of your future marriage whatsoever, and I will do anything in my power to touch your naked wife. I know I may have been a little harsh back there but something always strikes a chord with me when I see hot women with douchey boyfriends. Why is Russell Brand a douche? He's a douche because he's not one of my friends and he is currently banging a girl that I want, ergo douche. Its only fair because I saw her first.
"Hell is overflowing, and Satan is sending his dead to us. Why? Because, you have sex out of wedlock, you kill unborn children, you have man on man relations, same sex marriage. How do you think your God will judge you? Well friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth."
Ok little babies, it's time to put the joking aside for a day and spend some time putting focusing on some of the serious issues facing our world today. This blog post will center on that in my opinion deserves our attention, and if this continues to be ignored we may end up covered in a whole heap of shit. No, I'm not talking about how 30 million Americans don't have healthcare, nor am I spending one seconding blogging about the escalating nuclear situation in Korea and Iran, I'm here to draw your attention to something much more catastrophic. Yeah, you guessed it, I'm talking about a zombie attack.
Now, using the last few years as evidence, its clear that Hollywood would like you to believe that vampires are not only here to stay, but they are a force to be reckoned with. Let's be honest, I took my 11 year old cousin to see New Moon and that proved without a shadow of a doubt that vampires are in fact, all gay. Vampires, like global warming, is most likely just another liberal conspiracy to divert our attention from real threats at hand, the most overlooked of those threats being a zombie attack. Zombies are cut from a different cloth; they don't fall in love with teenage girls and glitter in the sun, they find you and rip your fucking throat out. Guess what's up now, you're a zombie too. You're probably saying to yourself "I have nothing to worry about, zombies aren't even real" I assure you its these people who will be the first to fall victim to the savage undead and have their faces ripped off of their skulls without remorse. Well that wouldn't have been the case if you had just listened to me. As Americans we are looked to by the rest of the world to act boldly and with conviction. Time and time again the decision makers in America have proved that when our security and freedom are threatened we crush the previously aforementioned threat with a swift boot heel to the skull. With the precedence that the USA has set in over 230 years of ass-kicking we essentially have assumed the responsibility to eliminate this threat and once again save the world. A plan of action needs to be put in place, and not sometime in the near future, but today.
We have seen it in movies, books, television, and stellar music videos; it starts with a small amount of the population becoming infected and soon enough that number grows exponentially as the zombie infection goes viral. Civilization as we know it is under assault from the undead, we the survivors are disbanded as the continuation of human society is in imminent danger. In layman's terms, we are completely fucked. However, the world does have a fighting chance, because as I clearly pointed out earlier, the US would be the government and military at the spearhead of our defense against the zombie apocalypse. We are a cultural of winners; we have the world's strongest military, embarrass every other nation in the Olympics, and will even take you to the woodshed in a 4th of July hot dog eating contest. Suck it Japan. If anyone is going to lead the fight to take back our world, its us.
That being said, all great winners like ourselves know that battles, whatever the scale, are won in preparation. Victory in the future depends on the plans and protocols set in motion today. The idea of spending valuable resources and time on something as outrageous as zombie attack prevention may sound ridiculous to some. Even though the odds of such an attack may seem very minuscule, it in no way means that the threat should be ignored, because even though it has only a small chance of occurring a zombie attack would prove catastrophic if the world was not adequately prepared. Nobody thought that Seinfeld would end production after 9 hugely popular seasons, and certainly nobody could have anticipated Paula Abul would announce that she was leaving American Idol, but as shocking as it was at the moment, it happened. Expect the unexpected. George W. Bush once eloquently said, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice......you can't fool me twice". Barry Obama probably lucked out in this one, because a leader with the wherewithal and foresight like George W. Bush had can only lead me to assume that at least a primitive plan for fighting the zombies had been drawn out (probably on a napkin or a liquor store receipt). Here's probably how it should go...
Every household in America should have a shotgun. Since zombies are immune to most forms of bodily harm, a plethora of firearms will be an absolute necessity. Blasting hole in the heads of zombies has been proven that the quickest and most effective way to keep from joining the undead. Have an illustrated and laminated card to show what to do in the event of an attack. This will be akin to the cards you find on airplanes that show what to do in the even of a water landing and such. This way everyone will know the necessary procedures, like how to quickly secure your home or where the will be safe zones set up in your local area when your domicile is compromised. The pictures will make it moron-proof, and the lamination will keep it from getting ruined when you inevitably get infected blood and brain matter all over it while blowing holes in the heads of the undead. Assemble a team of reliable commandos in your neighborhoods. In my opinion every municipality needs their own version of the A-Team. It doesn't have to be full of police officers or ex-Navy SEALs, just some really enthusiastic dudes who absolutely will not allow our world to be taken over by a bunch of fucking zombies. I'm calling all you washed up athletes, over zealous hockey dads, and crazed rednecks, because in the shock and inevitable panic of the situation we will find your skills and vigor to be invaluable. Since I am the one devising this plan and ultimately the savior of humanity as we know it I get first dibs on my team. I'm picking Mark Wahlberg, Toby Keith, John Cena, Brad from RW/RR Challenge, Greg Olsen, and myself. Behind our strength I can assure the safety of Cook County, but not everywhere.
Now its on you, no longer can you claim ignorance to this issue that may just be then end of civilized society as we know it. Call your congressman and demand that he do something to protect their constituency from the threat of doom. Please, I implore you, not for my sake but for ours
It's officially 2010 and SBB is in its 2nd calendar year of existence. As this new year begins its infancy stage I can only assume that many of you have made a New Years Resolution, or as what I like to call it "that lofty self-righteous goal that I will have forgotten by Super Bowl Sunday". According to Yahoo roughly 48% of Americans (over 146 million people) make an annual resolution with the thought in mind that they will change some facet of their life for the better. Personally I never saw the need for making one, because in my opinion (which I remind you is the only one of any validity on SBB) if I felt that some part of my life needed changing then it would just be silly to wait for the arbitrary date of January 1st to put my plan into action. Regardless of my obviously superior mental clarity, the new year is still looked at by many as a time for reflection and goal setting.
This following post idea was suggested by my loyal follower Jim Reardon. About.com has ranked the top 10 most popular New Years Resolutions, some I can agree are legitimate, while others fall short of making any sense whatsoever. Thus, I will be dissecting these most popular resolutions in order to reveal what people are really saying by making them. And here it goes, allow the truth to set you free.
10.) Get Organized
You may think you're a little bit messy or you just haven't gotten around to finding an appropriate place in your domicile for some of your stuff. Perhaps you think your home or office could use a bit of a makeover and some kind of shelving system is just what you need to spruce things up. In reality you're probably just a fucking slob.
9.) Help Others
So you're looking to give back a little in this upcoming year, how commendable of you? You might be planning on handing out hot bowls of soup and bologna sandwiches on Saturday nights at the local homeless shelter, or maybe you're looking to spend some time helping working with kids at the local community center. It must feel great to be able to give back, especially after the judge said that if you didn't do 100 hours of community service you would go to jail. Hey Gordon Bombay, when did your get your DUI?
8.) Learn Something New This Year
To be honest I don't even understand what this means. Do you not have Wikipedia or the Google machine? I had to ask my roommate Jack what he could interpret this to mean; if you have to make a conscious effort over the next 365 days to learn something then, as Jack would put it "You are a supreme piece of shit". Dually noted.
7.) Get Out of Debt
Now I'm not going to be too cynical about this one, but then again it wouldn't be a very good blog if I didn't, right? I understand that the last 18 months have been a financially tumultuous time for many, but now is the time to get back on your feet. However I read an article in the paper yesterday about how many middle aged adults are moving back home in order to save money, but the behemoth of a woman that they profiled in the article for the picture was a completely different story. Apparently Ms. Tons O'Fun had amassed over $40,000 of credit card debt in her early 20's. These people complain about how the were strapped financially and had a spending addiction to boot, and now they have fallen down the slippery slope of debt. Excuse me? You bought a bunch of shoes, purses, and God knows what else with money that you had no means of paying back. Where I come from that's called stealing. This doesn't seem too difficult to wrap my brain around, but as people like her have proven time and time again, common sense is not that common. If you are one of these baby geniuses then I may have a solution for you; call the Law offices of Peter Francis Geraci, perhaps he can help you.
6.) Quit Drinking
So you want to quit drinking? Ok, I know the holidays can often be a stressful time, especially with the added pressures of family, but that doesn't give you the excuse to hit your wife. Again.
5.) Enjoy Life More
Here's another one that I find baffling. Under what circumstances do you need to tell yourself, "When January 1st rolls around I'm really going to make it a point to enjoy my life". Maybe you should start off by opening up the curtains and turning off the Imogen Heap albums you have been playing on loop in your bedroom. Get some sun on your inevitably pale face and stop complaining about how nobody "understands" you. This is your life, nobody ever got anywhere by being a pussy.
4.) Quit Smoking
You have a habit that is becoming more expensive by the day, and most people today will shun you for smoking in their presence. Since the verdict is clearly still out on the health effects caused by smoking I don't feel like I have the authority to comment. Who do I look like, Dr. Sanjay Gupta? In all likelihood the reason you've really made this resolution is because you're just tired of looking really cool. (Side note: Smoking Kool's is in fact the Koolest)
3/2.) Lose Weight/Exercise More
The 2 particular resolutions are indeed very similar and may have overlapping motives. In fact, over 66% of Americans are considered obese by physicians standards, and it doesn't exactly take the surgeon general to figure out that most of use need to both lose weight and exercise more. However, these two also have their own distinct differences. If your resolution was to lose weight then I would be willing to guess that you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and that they have a better looking body than you, and you feel like you ought to even the playing field. The truth is some of the guys put on a few pounds after college, and for the ladies you're likely eat your feelings, whatever. Who am I to judge? You're fat along with 2/3 of our country, don't sweat it. (Ok being fat and sweaty seem to go hand-in-hand so I guess you're up Shit Creek on this one partner.)
You want to exercise more? I've been there before. I know what you're thinking, "Joe, you have been in peak physical condition since the day I met you", and I don't refute that one bit. You're 100% right, but everyone wants that sweet Spring Break bod. In reality you only really plan on juicing the pythons until mid March when you take your trip to Florida or Mexico and aggressively house beers in front of stupid girls from all over the country. If that is your resolution, here's s few words of advice, focus on the glamour muscles and take your shirt off at the bar as often as possible.
1.) Spend More Time w/ Your Family
The magic of the Christmas season must have sparked something inside of you recently, and now you feel like you really should be spending time with the people who should matter most in life. Let's get real, in an eggnog infused outburst it was revealed to you that your Dad has been sleeping with his secretary for years. Maybe that's not what happened, but let's just assume it did; a personal guilt trip has set in and now you feel obligated to spend time around your kin. Oh well, who didn't see that one coming? Your Mom has probably been intimately unresponsive for years, not to mention her cooking sucks. Now you're starting to rethink the idea of dedicating your precious time to these people because now you remember why you avoided them at all costs for the last calendar year, because its a total buttfuck. Join the club.
Well there it is pretty babies, did you learn something about yourself? I bet you did. That's what I'm here for, so strap on your seat belts and continue to join us here at SBB for your personal journey to the world of self-discovery and/or ridicule, bust most likely ridicule.
