This following post idea was suggested by my loyal follower Jim Reardon. About.com has ranked the top 10 most popular New Years Resolutions, some I can agree are legitimate, while others fall short of making any sense whatsoever. Thus, I will be dissecting these most popular resolutions in order to reveal what people are really saying by making them. And here it goes, allow the truth to set you free.
10.) Get Organized
You may think you're a little bit messy or you just haven't gotten around to finding an appropriate place in your domicile for some of your stuff. Perhaps you think your home or office could use a bit of a makeover and some kind of shelving system is just what you need to spruce things up. In reality you're probably just a fucking slob.
9.) Help Others
So you're looking to give back a little in this upcoming year, how commendable of you? You might be planning on handing out hot bowls of soup and bologna sandwiches on Saturday nights at the local homeless shelter, or maybe you're looking to spend some time helping working with kids at the local community center. It must feel great to be able to give back, especially after the judge said that if you didn't do 100 hours of community service you would go to jail. Hey Gordon Bombay, when did your get your DUI?
8.) Learn Something New This Year
To be honest I don't even understand what this means. Do you not have Wikipedia or the Google machine? I had to ask my roommate Jack what he could interpret this to mean; if you have to make a conscious effort over the next 365 days to learn something then, as Jack would put it "You are a supreme piece of shit". Dually noted.
7.) Get Out of Debt
Now I'm not going to be too cynical about this one, but then again it wouldn't be a very good blog if I didn't, right? I understand that the last 18 months have been a financially tumultuous time for many, but now is the time to get back on your feet. However I read an article in the paper yesterday about how many middle aged adults are moving back home in order to save money, but the behemoth of a woman that they profiled in the article for the picture was a completely different story. Apparently Ms. Tons O'Fun had amassed over $40,000 of credit card debt in her early 20's. These people complain about how the were strapped financially and had a spending addiction to boot, and now they have fallen down the slippery slope of debt. Excuse me? You bought a bunch of shoes, purses, and God knows what else with money that you had no means of paying back. Where I come from that's called stealing. This doesn't seem too difficult to wrap my brain around, but as people like her have proven time and time again, common sense is not that common. If you are one of these baby geniuses then I may have a solution for you; call the Law offices of Peter Francis Geraci, perhaps he can help you.
6.) Quit Drinking
So you want to quit drinking? Ok, I know the holidays can often be a stressful time, especially with the added pressures of family, but that doesn't give you the excuse to hit your wife. Again.
5.) Enjoy Life More
Here's another one that I find baffling. Under what circumstances do you need to tell yourself, "When January 1st rolls around I'm really going to make it a point to enjoy my life". Maybe you should start off by opening up the curtains and turning off the Imogen Heap albums you have been playing on loop in your bedroom. Get some sun on your inevitably pale face and stop complaining about how nobody "understands" you. This is your life, nobody ever got anywhere by being a pussy.
4.) Quit Smoking
You have a habit that is becoming more expensive by the day, and most people today will shun you for smoking in their presence. Since the verdict is clearly still out on the health effects caused by smoking I don't feel like I have the authority to comment. Who do I look like, Dr. Sanjay Gupta? In all likelihood the reason you've really made this resolution is because you're just tired of looking really cool. (Side note: Smoking Kool's is in fact the Koolest)
3/2.) Lose Weight/Exercise More
The 2 particular resolutions are indeed very similar and may have overlapping motives. In fact, over 66% of Americans are considered obese by physicians standards, and it doesn't exactly take the surgeon general to figure out that most of use need to both lose weight and exercise more. However, these two also have their own distinct differences. If your resolution was to lose weight then I would be willing to guess that you have a girlfriend/boyfriend and that they have a better looking body than you, and you feel like you ought to even the playing field. The truth is some of the guys put on a few pounds after college, and for the ladies you're likely eat your feelings, whatever. Who am I to judge? You're fat along with 2/3 of our country, don't sweat it. (Ok being fat and sweaty seem to go hand-in-hand so I guess you're up Shit Creek on this one partner.)
You want to exercise more? I've been there before. I know what you're thinking, "Joe, you have been in peak physical condition since the day I met you", and I don't refute that one bit. You're 100% right, but everyone wants that sweet Spring Break bod. In reality you only really plan on juicing the pythons until mid March when you take your trip to Florida or Mexico and aggressively house beers in front of stupid girls from all over the country. If that is your resolution, here's s few words of advice, focus on the glamour muscles and take your shirt off at the bar as often as possible.
1.) Spend More Time w/ Your Family
The magic of the Christmas season must have sparked something inside of you recently, and now you feel like you really should be spending time with the people who should matter most in life. Let's get real, in an eggnog infused outburst it was revealed to you that your Dad has been sleeping with his secretary for years. Maybe that's not what happened, but let's just assume it did; a personal guilt trip has set in and now you feel obligated to spend time around your kin. Oh well, who didn't see that one coming? Your Mom has probably been intimately unresponsive for years, not to mention her cooking sucks. Now you're starting to rethink the idea of dedicating your precious time to these people because now you remember why you avoided them at all costs for the last calendar year, because its a total buttfuck. Join the club.
Well there it is pretty babies, did you learn something about yourself? I bet you did. That's what I'm here for, so strap on your seat belts and continue to join us here at SBB for your personal journey to the world of self-discovery and/or ridicule, bust most likely ridicule.
Loves Ya, Bye Bye
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