What Goes Around Comes Around...

So if you can recall back in December I spent a whole post describing in detail my obsession with Katy Perry, and most notably her beautiful sweater puppies. You don't have to agree with me because its a fact, even Stevie Wonder could see that Katy Perry's hangers can stop time right in its tracks. However it has come to my attention that my top-heavy barbie doll just got engaged; apparently husband-to-be Russell Brand knew he had fallen into the opportunity of a lifetime and decided to cash in on his mammary jackpot. Wait a tic, where does this Brit get off? If I can recall correctly, every dork from across the pond lost first dibs on American girls after the War of Independence. Whatever, what's done is done. Well played Sir, well played. You may be asking yourself, "Poor Joe, he must be heartbroken, what's he going to do now?". Oh don't you fret my little babies, like always, SBB has a plan; I'm going to take a little page out of Russell's book. You probably remember him best as Aldous Snow, the goofy English rock star/girlfriend thief in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. He is able to woo sexy ass Kristen Bell and get her to do naked stuff behind her devoted boyfriend's back. This one might sting a little Mr. Brand, but I'm going to have to dive into your own signature bag of tricks. You'd better watch your back Russy because you never know when I might pop up, ready to unleash some vicious charm on girlfriend and her bags of fun. You may provide her with the intrigue of a foreign man, but my suburban white boy game is undeniably irresistible, not to mention I shave more than once a month. Sorry Russy but your beard and chronically unwashed hair doesn't make you "edgy" or let you look "intellectual", no not in the least. Want the long and short of it? You are "lazy" and "fucking dirty", and eventually that cheeky accent of yours is bound to get annoying. When you go to sleep at night you'd better make sure you grip that girl and her chesticles tight because I'm making it known right now that I will not rest until those boobies are in my mouth. My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I'm ferocious. I want your heart. I'm going to eat your children. Praise be to Allah!

Sorry I got a little carried away there, that was just the Mike Tyson in me; the tiger got out of the cage on that one. Just let it be known that I do not value the sanctity of your future marriage whatsoever, and I will do anything in my power to touch your naked wife. I know I may have been a little harsh back there but something always strikes a chord with me when I see hot women with douchey boyfriends. Why is Russell Brand a douche? He's a douche because he's not one of my friends and he is currently banging a girl that I want, ergo douche. Its only fair because I saw her first.

SBB out