I want to play a little game...

So its almost time for the Olympic Games, a magical time every 4 years where all the world's nations come together to celebrate the purity of athletic competition and receive a proverbial prison style raping at the hands of the Americans. I love the Olympics for that very reason, its a 2 week reminder to the rest of the world that even though you may detest everything about us, you simply cannot beat us at anything (Unless of course the category is sucking, in which case the 3 countries receiving medals will be Iraq, Iran, and North Korea). I also love the Olympics because it provides me with another great opportunity to cheer for my favorite team ever, that's right, the US of A. Since our neighbors to the North are hosting this year's games, I can't help but be reminded of the scene in "10 Things I Hate About You" when all the cool drunk kids show up like a fucking freight train to Bogey Lowenstein's future MBAs party and immediately take over like they own the place. We're going to roll up to the Canadian border, probably about 12 beers deep, and without invitation, let everyone in Vancouver know that the Americans came here to bring the fucking ruckus. Let it be known, these guys came here for the jewlery.

Part of me wishes that instead of standard uniforms countries would wear uniforms that truly represent their nations with authenticity. For instance, We would win all of our gold medals in either jorts and tank-tops, or in some top of the line Nike gear inevitably sewn together by the nimble fingers of our Olympic opponent's children. The Germans could all dress like the Von Trapp family from The Sound of Music, and the Haitians can wear whatever old clothes my Mom dropped off at at the used clothing drive at our local church last year. What? Poor taste? It was only a matter of time until I made a Haiti joke; I don't understand what all the hoopla is about, I understand there was an earthquake but these Haitians are going nuts as if they finally found out about the breakup of The Fugees.

All this thought of international athletic slaughter at the hands of the Americans has tossed kerosene on the fires of my competitive spirit, so needless to say, I want to play a little game. The idea for this game was partly inspired by TMZ's "Jew/Not a Jew" game where celebrities are asked to identify other celebrities as either Jewish or not Jewish (the entertainment industry is a little lopsided on the Jewish side, so that one is kind a easy). Also in the inspirational seedling that became this blog post was a little game called "Funny/Not Funny" from the very educational childrens program on Wonder Showzen. Essentially it shows various clips of natural disasters or animals doing silly tricks and children have to collectively decide if the scene is indeed funny or not funny. The game I have been playing with much input from my friends is a little game I would Like to call "Gay/Not Gay" where I will list a person of fame who's sexuality has often been questioned and I will decide if that person is in fact gay or not. Your questions were heard, and I have answered. Remember kiddies, my word is final.

Ricky Martin: Gay/Not Gay?

GAY. Ricky Martin is undeniably gay, as if his lycra shirts and leather pants fooled me, he was gay back when he was in Menudo, way before he was livin' la vida homo. It doesn't help Mr. Martin's cause that he is Peurto Rican, becasue Latin suave only really makes you more gay (except Enrique Iglesias, that man is straight as an arrow). She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain? Yeah frolicking in the rain sounds exactly like something a gay man would do with his platonic female friend, that and talk about bulges. She Bangs? Who? Certainly not you Ricky. Let's be honest, William Hung got more female ass with this one.

Anderson Cooper: Gay/Not Gay?

NOT GAY. Lots of rumors have circled around Anderson Cooper regarding his sexuality, and his refusal to speak about his personal life only adds to the suspicions. However, he is a world recognized journalist and in order to maintain a level of professionalism and integrity in his work (and keep his job at CNN) he needs to remain a figure of neutrality. The problem is Silver Fox falls victim to a stereotype that a lot of middle aged men fall into, the thin-single-neat category from Seinfeld, where people just assume you are gay because you're unmarried and you aren't a total slob. I'd be willing to bet Coop could slay some women back in his college days at Yale. Which reminds me, maybe he was a part of that whole Yale thing. "What do you mean Yale thing?", " Well for one I think he was a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine" - Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

Neil Patrick Harris: Gay/Not Gay?

NOT GAY. I know what you're saying "SBB, get with the times, NPH came out of the closet in 2006". Thanks numbnuts, I'm well aware of that. I can't exactly give you a reason as to why he would tell the entertainment world that he is gay when he so clearly is not. I think NPH is living in a reverse closet where he's pretending to be gay, and probably banging hot chicks in said closet. I can see right through this ruse, his true self comes out in the amazing portrayal of the dapper and pussy-crazy and Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, and as himself in the Harold and Kumar documentaries. In those movies he plays himself, a really straight dude.  If he does in fact have sex with other men then its purely out of dominance. Since NPH owns every situation he finds himself in, he probably walks into a room and immediately rapes the biggest and strongest man he can find like its his first day in prison. Two words; Fur Burgers.


Jennifer Aniston: Gay/Not Gay?

GAY. I didn't want to say it but I felt that I had to. Don't get me wrong, I would give my right foot for one night with her, in fact I'm pretty sure I could spend the rest of my time on this earth simply rubbing her butt cheeks, but until that happens I'm going to stand by my conviction that she is lesbian. Since she got the business from Brad Pitt all I ever hear about her is how she got her beautiful ass dumped by some new celebrity lover. She gets showered with affection by tabloids and television, all recycling the same headlines, "Poor Jen, when will she finally find the right man?". It seems to me that the truth is dangling right in front of our faces and everyone is to blind to see it; Jennifer Aniston is a lesbian. Getting divorced for a woman who is clearly more sexually expressive, terrible track record with men, and the fact that she has never let me put her underwear in my mouth really only spells one thing, she's secretly into chicks. Trust me, I played it cool knowing far too well that it was only a matter of time until she came to me, but its looking like the jig is up. Sorry Jen, you're a lesbian.

Carson Daly: Gay/Not Gay?

GAY. I admit, this one is kinda weird, but if Carson Daly isn't gay then he is definitely asexual. By asexual I mean he probably just has a soft patch of bare flesh in his crotch, Kinda like a boring Ken doll. This in all likelihood made the high school gym class shower experience pretty difficult for Carson, but I'll bet he got through just fine by waiting for all the other guys to leave the locker room and huffing their jock straps. I distinctly remember being 12 years old watching TRL and thinking, "wow, Carson Daly wears a ring on his thumb and paints his fingernails black, that's fucking gay", but that thought was quickly brushed aside by a boner producing Britney Spears video. Looking back on it, that must have been his trick, bring sexy guests on my show and show videos that are going to make junior high kids want to masturbate so they will quickly forget that I'm a total flame. If we need any hard evidence just use this; he was together with Tara Reid in her sexy/obnoxiously drunk and slutty period. Any man with half a sack would be pounding that thing flat, and with the train wreck that was Tara Reid's life at the time she would've too hammered to remember her birth control and would've inevitably made a baby. Fast forward a few years later to today, Tara Reid is probably dead and Carson Daly is gargling the balls on interns on "Last Call".

Rosie O'Donnell: Gay/Not Gay?

MAYBE? To be honest this one is a little puzzling, I can't quite tell if this dude is gay or not. I searched his name on google images and all it shows me is pictures of this fat guy standing with lesbian women. I have no beef with that, lesbians are pretty cool in my book due to the fact that we share a common bond, that being squeezing on a pair of breasticles. I don't know what to think about this guy, I see him all over hanging out women which makes me think he must be getting some, but he wears women's pant suits like Hillary Clinton, and I recently caught a little bit of his movie about an all gay cruise he sponsored. Plus he calls himself Rosie, doesn't that strike anyone as odd? I just don't know what to say, I need some help on this one.

Until next time beautiful buttlickers,
SBB out.