Mailbag Pt. II

And so it continues...

Mark S, Chicago IL

I've been thinking about a possible connection between one's father's mood/temperament around the time he produced impregnating sperm and the personality development of the offspring. Do you think sperms have moods that affect the person they become?

You may be onto something there Marky. I don't think that a father's temperament at the time of conception is the single deciding factor into the developmental growth of the child, but to say that they are completely unrelated would just be ignorant. I find it hard to believe that the bedroom air was full of a tender type of love while Mike Tyson's parents were playing "hide the penis" wherever that crack den happened to be. Then again I cant just say that every time a man wants to throw a serious sexual bashing at his wife, that the subsequent child will definitely become a world renowned heavyweight boxing champ/convicted rapist, just like not every child (but most) who is conceived out of slow, gentle, Sunday morning love-making ends up as the kind of guy who says "Ciao" or memorizes the soundtrack to Rent. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are exceptions to every rule, but I do think you may have stumbled onto something that may perplex geneticists for decades to come. Personally I'd like to think that a much better future personality indicator is what a baby experiences and perceives in its first few moments of life. For instance, my overall "take no prisoners" attitude can most likely be attributed to the fact that when the delivery room doctor pulled me out of my mom's butt on November 23rd 1986, I screamed "Whatchu lookin' at!" right before I karate chopped that mother fucking doctor in half. Needless to say, good question Mark.

Jesse F, Racine WI

My problem concerns my genitals...In plain English, I have severely large testicles. Accordingly, I would consider the size of my penis to be quite average. My concern is that the proverbial big potatoes are making the steak look small, which may or may not be fair. In all honesty, the "steak" isn't the largest to begin with, but I can't help but worry that the size of my aforementioned testicles are bringing upon shame to said average-sized penis. What do I do? Am I a monster?

Well folks, Jesse isn't kidding around on this one. I'm pretty convinced that you must have grown up under high tension power lines as a child, because there is no other plausible explanation as to why your nuts are of that size. I see how this may weigh heavy on your mind, understanding that just by sheer proportion your dingy is being slighted, but to be honest if I were you I wouldn't put too much thought into it. Don't fret about what a woman may think about the whole size of the potatoes vs. the steak conundrum, because if she's in a position to actually see the potatoes up close then she's already made up here mind; she won't be running away at that point, huge potatoes and average size steak or not, she's there to eat. Here's another thing you should think about that may give your confidence a boost; if she can't see the whole collection of goods then she won't be able to negatively judge your unique proportions. What's my solution? Do it in the dark, that way you can guarantee your wiener the fair shake it deserves. The whole darkness thing shouldn't prove to be much of an issue considering the fact that if I remember correctly, your exposed testicles are big enough to block out the fucking sun.

Mark S, Chicago IL

Which "Throw Some D's" is better: Rich Boy's original or Kanye's remix?

Mark, you just won't quit, however I appreciate the question because it brings me back to Sophomore year when we would run around the hallway in nothing but spandex shorts blasting both of these songs. As much as I loved Rich Boy's original, I simply could not relate to the material. I know what you're probably thinking, "Joe you're a white kid from River Forest who never leaves home in anything but khaki's, isn't hip hop culture like a 2nd language to you?", and I can't disagree. I've never had a car with a set of rims on it, however I have had a few beautiful sets breasticular D's, so I feel as if I'm almost forced to side with Kanye's remix on this one. 

Now all my friends say "Implants are a selfish gift" , that all depends

She aint pregnant but about to have twins - Kanye West

Jesse F, Racine WI

Hypothetical situation: Poop comes out of my nose. Don't ask how or why.

Hypothetical question: What do I use to clean it??? Tissue or Kleenex???  (it IS in fact coming from my nose, and the softness can be quite smooth and cleansing upon the face)??? Or toilet paper (you ARE dealing with poop after all, and toilet papers purpose is to deal with poop, on butts and elsewhere).

Jesse, regardless whether poop is coming out of your nose or your doodie hole, it is in fact poop. Regardless of orifice, poop goes in the toilet, and thus you should probably use toilet paper. I wouldn't worry too much about the lack of softness compared to a regular Kleenex tissue, because if you're shitting out of your nose you have bigger problems than just a little redness on your nose from wiping too much. (Plus, I think if you used a Kleenex you would just end up smearing poop all over your face, which in addition to being really fucking off-putting, would probably end up getting you the nickname "Crap Face".) Thanks for the though provoking questions Crap Face.

Mark S, Chicago IL

Is it ok to want to kiss a male celebrity because you're just "that big of a fan?"

Sure, why not? This is America after all, and I remember a really wise Mexican guy named Jesús from the Bible once said "Judge not, lest Ye be judged". If you want to kiss Ryan Seacrest, that's your prerogative. In fact I think this could be a great way to prove how much of a fan you truly are. There's something to be said for the fact that you might just go a little gay for someone, so you don't need to feel ashamed. (I mean, if you held a gun to my head I might kiss Robin Thicke, but then I would push him away and call him a homo. After that I would probably apologize when my friends weren't looking and tell him I am deeply envious of his amazing haircut).

Megan W, River Forest IL

A friend of mine has a problem. Her boyfriend used to live in a house with 6 other roommates. They were together for a pretty long time. One of the roommates, however, repeatedly sexually harassed her, and even exposed themself to her multiple times. The problem is...she kind of liked it. What should I, I mean my friend, do?

At first glance this would appear to just be another cut and dry instance of the Stockholm Syndrome taking effect, where over a period of captivity a hostage seems to sympathize and even have positive feelings towards their captors, but for some reason I just don't buy that. I can't honestly see what the problem is, sounds like the real issue here is that the sexually exposing seems to be a part of  the past and now that its so far gone you (I'm sorry, your friend) are starting to feel an intense longing for it once more. Maybe you just told yourself it was harassment because you didn't know how to truly express the awe you must have felt. Of course your friend liked it, everybody does. What should you do about it? That's easy; make more friends with guys who don''t have any hang-ups about pulling out their glow worm in public. If the whole "Exposing himself seems to be out of his system because he's a grown-up and isn't in college anymore" is the situation you find yourself in then treat it like a band-aid; rip that mother fucker off quickly and forcibly so as to have it taken care of before you have time to think about it some more.

P.S. I hope it was everything you ever dreamed of...

Here's a video of a guy getting bird poop in his mouth