12/21/2010
First and foremost, I would like to express my gratitude to Snoop Bloggy Blog for allowing me to drop knowledge on all of you unsuspecting, apathetic, and poorly prepared readers.
As I’m sure is common practice for many others in our society, I prefer to fall asleep while watching television at night. I have become very adept at using the sleep timer, and find it easier to relax my mind and fall into my nightly dreams with the television’s presence. In trying to sleep, I purposely do not watch any programming that I find overly interesting or captivating that may keep me awake, such as SVU re-runs or MTV reality shows. Instead, I choose to turn on shows on CNN and/or the Discovery and History channels. While watching such programming can often times be mentally stimulating, I rarely fail to fall asleep after an extended period of time. With one notable exception.
One evening as I was retiring to my bed, I flipped past a special on one of the aforementioned channels and was unable to sleep for hours that night, and unable to sleep comfortably for weeks after the fact.
**Side note: who cares what channel it really was and what the name of the program was. People don’t really enjoy shows on the Discovery Channel; they like the idea of watching that Discovery Channel so they can attempt to show others how intellectual they are (notable exception: Cash Cab. It doesn’t hold a proverbial candle to Jeopardy, but an enjoyable show). “Yeah, I don’t even watch TV. Those reality shows on MTV are stupid. I pretty much only watch the educational stuff on the Discovery Channel because it’s interesting.” Go F*** yourself, ‘Discovery Channel guy.’ If you can honestly tell me that you would rather watch some douche bag roll around in animal shit on Dirty Jobs than see Snookie get punched in the face by some drunk guy on Jersey Shore, then you are a moron and lead an extremely boring and uninteresting life.**
Anyway, I got caught into a special about all of the “myths” and “rumored phenomenon” about the potential end of the world as we know it on December 21st, 2012. I will spare you with all of the details about what can/will happen in two years from now, because that is what Wikipedia is for. Just know that we are going down. There are too many coincidences and theories out there from proven sources (newsflash: the Mayans and Nostradamus haven’t ever really been wrong about anything. Ever).With this, I thought I should mentally prepare the readers of SBB and allow them to prepare accordingly for the end of civilization.
First and foremost, I highly recommend that people prepare their personal bucket lists of things they want to do before the world ends (my personal top 5 you ask? 5.) Live in South America 4.) Buy something really nice for my parents to show my everlasting gratitude 3.) Punch Jay Cutler in the dick 2.) Appear in a rap music video 1.) Make out with Annie Griffin). Get your bucket list made as quickly as possible and do all you can do accomplish the goals you get out for yourself soon; you only have two years.
(Allow SBB to interject for a moment: There will be not dick-punching of All-The-Way Jay)
After making and planning to execute your bucket list, it is never too early to begin planning for the chaos that will ensue two years from now. While there are many theories out there on just how chaotic things will get, none of which can be trusted significantly more than the other, it is vital that people are aware that anything is possible when discussing the end of the world. Because of this, I have made plans that will coincide with the adaptation that may prove to be necessary.
(Uhhh, Jesse, maybe you should've asked John Cusack what the deal was, he made a documentary about this after all...)
After saying goodbye to my family and closest friends in early December of 2012 (who will probably going about their normal lives like the naïve people that they are), I will make my way to California, and as the date of destruction nears, I will do as best as I possibly can to be in the direct vicinity of an individual that has been trained and actively participated in adverse situations and dealt with many (if not all) of the potential problems that one can expect on 2012. That person is known as Willard Christopher Smith.
Will Smith can and will cover a lot of bases concerning the potential looming disasters. Throughout his career, he has successfully dealt with the following scenarios that I have considered possible two years down the road.
If the human species goes completely extinct, I would trust Will (I Am Legend). If there were to be an alien take over, I would trust Will (Independence Day, Men in Black I and II). If there was a Robot takeover and anarchy, I would trust Will (I, Robot). If there were to be issues with drug dealers (Bad Boys I and II) and/or Western Outlaws (Wild Wild West), I would trust Will. If I needed organs (Seven Pounds), I would trust Will. If I faced extreme poverty (The Pursuit of Happiness) or could not attain the affection of the girl I am madly in love with (Annie Griffin…. I mean Hitch), I would trust Will.
All of the above scenarios could come into play in 2012, and all in all there is no other individual I would prefer to guide and accompany me upon the disaster that will go down. If Jeff Goldblum, Eva Mendes, or his dog from I Am Legend (oh wait, he got killed by aliens) are around as well, I’m not mad about it.
(I'll take Carleton over these schoolboy bitches any day...)
Note that I only discussed his movie career above. I did not even begin to mention his role in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air or the musical genius he created known as Big Willie Style (EVERYONE’s first album owned in elementary school. That, or the Spacejam soundtrack) or Willenium. I also felt no need to mention his accomplishments as a husband and father. If Will Smith is in fact, God, is Jaden Smith in turn Jesus Christ, the Messiah? I’m not sure, but if I were to see him walk on water I cannot say that I would be surprised.
(Blasphemy!)
Will Smith is one of the very few people who have the capability to save me from the impending end of the world in two short years, and I could not be happier with the fact that I already have the insight to recognize this and plan ahead for my survival. Willard Christopher Smith has been and will continue to be one of the most accomplished individuals in the world, and I could not be more comfortable in putting my fate in his hands upon civilization’s potential destruction.
You now have two full years to come up with your own plan. Since I have already called “dibbs” on Will Smith, I wish the rest of you the best of luck. To the best of my knowledge, Tom Cruise is still available for all of your salvation needs.
Regards,
Jesse A. Ford
Godspeed Jesse, Godspeed. I still believe that somehow Chicago mayor Richard Daley is behind the 2012 apocalypse, out of spite for losing Chicago's bid for the 2016 Olympics. Joke's on you Rio...
Keep sending in your questions for the much overdue Mailbag Pt. 3, and within the next week or two I will go over them all and shart knowledge all over them
Over and out Ghostrider,
SBB
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