I'll Give You Asthma

Its that time of year again folks, the 8 month Chicago winter season seems to be coming to a close. What does that mean for us guys? It's time to get our Tiger Woods on, and by that I mean sprinkling in a few rounds of golf in between banging obnoxious amounts of cocktail waitresses. Eh, who am I kidding? You're more likely to see me and my friends pinching said cocktail waitresses on the be-hind and making pelvic thrusts while we grunt like a potbelly pigs. What can I say, I'm such a doll.

So its golf season, and the more we break out the clubs, the more you will be forced to bear witness to possibly one of the most annoying things that people don't realize they are doing. Trust me, once you notice it for the first time golfing will forever be different. Its an unstoppable force during what should be a carefree and relaxing 18 holes; the egregious an unnecessary amount of Caddyshack references.

"Its in the hole! Its in the hole! Its in the hole!" Really? I don't think it is, considering you were yelling while I was trying to concentrate here, thanks though. We get it, you've seen the movie, now can you do me a solid here and shut the fuck up for a minute. The problem is most people don't even realize that they're doing it, which directly relates to them not understanding how fucking annoying it gets after a whole afternoon. Its like word vomit, something about the setting just makes it come out and by then its far too late. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Caddyshack, in fact its one of my favorite movies of all time, I simply do not need to hear it quoted, misquoted and run into the ground every time I feel like golfing.

You're standing on the tee box and all of a sudden you start to feel a little bit of rain. "I don't think the the heavy stuff's gonna come down for quite a while". Thanks Carl Spackler/Tom Skilling, we appreciate your very informative retort, you were a really great addition to the foursome. Let's be honest here, Caddyshack is funny because it featured a group of professional comics who made very successful careers out of saying funny shit, and you on the other hand are just a fat guy with basic cable and a set of golf clubs. Do you know how long it takes to play a whole round of golf? Pretty much all fucking day, and when an asshole friend is relentlessly imitating Bill Murray and Rodney Dangerfield you'll be bleeding from your ears by the 13th hole. The easiest way to address it would just be to have everyone in the foursome gather around the first tee box and spend five minutes getting them all out of our system. Say whatever you want now before we tee off, and if we have to hear you say "its in the hole!" or something about a fucking gopher while we're on the course I'm going to hit you in the back of your knee with a 5 iron.

Trust me, if you haven't noticed it yet I guarantee you will the next time you go golfing, because its not only a reality that won't be going away any time soon, but its sure to ruin your fucking day. Thankfully I have never spent a summer as a caddy, so I've got that going for me

Obligatory shout-out for inspiration to Michael Danielak

And in what I will be adding to my posts for the next few weeks, an obnoxious 80's music video. One of many to come...

SBB out