Recently I moved into an apartment of my own a couple of miles up town to the north. The one problem that I was facing now that I am an uptown girl living in my white bread world was that I really didn't own any of my own shit. For the last 3+ years I have always lived with a pretty large group of roommates, which essentially much allowed me to get by with a very minimalistic existence. However, those days are over and this uptown girl needs some furniture, so what do I do? I go to IKEA, a very unique experience to say the least. Whereas a trip to a place like Wall-Mart is very much like going to a carnival where all the fun an childlike wonderment is replaced by vomit, generations of selective intra-family breeding, and demon children, going to IKEA is kinda like a grade school field trip. Everything feels clean and sterile, while the wives/girlfriends walk around like teachers and chaperones while guys walk slowly ten to fifteen feet behind dragging their shoes and pretending to be somewhere else. One of the first things I noticed upon entering the store was that there was an inordinate amount of Eastern Europeans judging by the amount of black roots on top of dirty blonde hair, pointy faces, graphic tees, women that look like Dog the Bounty Hunter, and the overwhelming cologne shower aroma. Just an observation, that's all I'm saying.
A few years ago before the world realized that Dane Cook is a douche-wrap supreme I had a copy of his stand up album, and in one of his bits he goes on to explain how whenever he goes into a Walgreens he is overcome with the feeling that he needs to steal. Even though he's an emotive gayrod I think he hit the nail on the head with this one. No, I don't actually feel like stealing from Walgreens, mostly because I don't need free tampons and because the only things I really want to steal are behind the pharmacist's counter. PILLS!!! PILLS!!! I NEED MY PILLS OR I GET REALLLLYYYY NERVOUSSSS!!!! No, I don't feel like stealing when I walk in Walgreens, but I have my own personal version of the Dane Cook sentiment; when the doors open up at IKEA and I venture inside, all I can think of is how I need to have sex on every one of the thousands of pieces of furniture in the building. Every. Single. One.
I don't really know what it is, but something about the awkward shape of the individual furniture pieces and the names that nobody outside of Stockholm can pronounce make me feel a strange sense of exotic eroticism. "Wow the Flugtasten sofabed and ottoman combo would go great in our living room. I wonder what you would look like bent over it". Am I wrong? Am I wrong? "Oooohh the Hastveda kitchen table is just so cute that its making me all tingly in my penis area, let's fuck on top of it until one of the legs breaks off"... and so it goes while looking at every single piece in the superstore.
There is another observation that I can't help but make while shopping at IKEA; there are a lot of pieces of furniture in here that could look good in a house or apartment, however I don't think it would look so great once a guy not unlike myself blasts the first of numerous yet inevitable cum stains on the new fabric. Honestly, all it takes is a single spur of the moment sexual encounter (talk to your doctor about whether Cialis is right for you) that gets reckless for 2 seconds and you completely ruin that neat little chaise lounge you bought. Oh who are we kidding, I was you were whackin' it on the sofa to Taxicab Confessions again...
The reason the Dane Cook bit was funny was because it was pretty true, you do actually feel like stealing when you walk into a Walgreens. That's why I am pretty confident in saying that you probably get the same feelings I do when you are perusing the aisles of IKEA; you just feel like you need to go to pound town when you're surrounded by so much furniture. If you don't, I guess I don't have much to say to you except suck it. I know there's at least a couple of people that feel the same way I do. This particular couple, let's call them Shmerin Shmreg and Shmo Shmoboda will pretty much have sex anywhere and on anything, including but not limited to certain people's beds when they are nice enough to let them sneak into their unoccupied apartment to use the potty. Don't ever bring these two "defilers of the domicile" to IKEA, because knowing what they have been known to do on regular furniture that doesn't belong to them, I can only imagine what would happen if they walked into the Swedish superstore. Furniture Fuckfest 2K10.
There you go Shmerin, you wanted a shout out and you got it.
As the wise fabler Aesop once said, "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it, especially if you have sex on someone else's bed"
Over and out Ghostrider,
SBB
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